Memorable Quotes from
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
Ron Burgundy: [to dog] You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.
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Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...
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Frank Vitchard: I am gonna straight-up murder your ass!
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Garth Holliday: [after smelling the Sex Panther cologne] It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!
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Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh!
Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food! Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people
Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee: Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
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Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without ya. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you. I miss being near you! I miss your laugh! I miss - I miss your scent. I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.
Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while.
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Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team!
Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you! I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
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Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic.
Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic.
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Veronica Corningstone: Take me to Pleasure Town!
Ron Burgundy: Oh, we're going there!
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Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?
Brian Fantana: Panda Watch! The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.
[to the Panda]
Brian Fantana: Hey, you're making me look stupid! Get out of here, Panda Jerk!
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Champ Kind: What's it like, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: The intimate times? Outta sight, my man!
Brian Fantana: No, the other thing - love.
Brick Tamland: Yeah, what is that?
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Ron Burgundy: Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
Brian Fantana: I don't know, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises! And then our children will form a family band! And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited!
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Brian Fantana: [seriously] I'm telling you, this lady has really crawled into Ron's head.
Brick Tamland: [breaks out laughing] Good one!
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Veronica Corningstone: Oh, Ron, there are literally thousands of men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 per cent sure that I love you!
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Ron Burgundy: [to waiter] I'll have three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper... and some cheese.
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Public TV News Anchor: No commercials;
[shouts]
Public TV News Anchor: no mercy!
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Ron Burgundy: [playing flute solo] Hey, Aqualung!
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Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry!
Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!
Veronica Corningstone: Well you... have bad hair!
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Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica after the news has just gone off the air] You've got a dirty whorish mouth.
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Announcer: [theme music begins] Channel 4 News, with five-time Emmy-award winning anchor Ron Burgundy. Champ Kind, Sports. Brick Tamland, Weather. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana. It's the Channel 4 News at 6:00!
Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.
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Ron Burgundy: [picking his teeth] Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.
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Tino: We have a saying in my country - the coyote of the desert likes to eat the heart of the young and the blood drips down to his children for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
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Veronica Corningstone: Because I have breasts... exquisite breasts?
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Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.
Champ Kind: Champ Kind.
Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.
Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.
Brick Tamland: Brian.
Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.
Brick Tamland: Veronica.
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Ron Burgundy: Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!
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Ron Burgundy: Ron Burgundy:
[when talking to Baxter]
Ron Burgundy: What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing! How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.
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Garth Holliday: Why'd you say that Ron? Why? You're my hero. And you say something dirty. Like poop. Poop mouth. I hate you Ron Burgundy, I hate you!
[runs away]
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Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.
[Veronica turns and walks away]
Ron Burgundy: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you.
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Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Veronica Corningstone: Really.
Ron Burgundy: People know me.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.
Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
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News Station Employee: It smells like Bigfoot's dick!
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Wes Mantooth: Can't say one word, huh? Even the guy that can't think said something!
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Ron Burgundy: 1001, 1002, 1003.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.
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Ron Burgundy: Sweet Lincoln's mullet!
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Frank Vitchard: [after having his other arm ripped off by a bear]
[shouts]
Frank Vitchard: This is getting to be ri-god-damn-diculous!
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Angry Biker: What do you love?
Ron Burgundy: I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.
Angry Biker: Well, now, guess what, this is happening.
[grabs Baxter]
Ron Burgundy: Excuse me... excuse me... what are you doing?
[biker punts Baxter over bridge]
Angry Biker: That's how I roll!
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Ron Burgundy: I'm in a glass case of emotion!
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Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
Ed Harken: Dammit! Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?
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Ron Burgundy: [Ron's dog barks at him] You know I don't speak Spanish.
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Bartender: You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.
Ron Burgundy: What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.
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Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!
Champ Kind: It is anchor*man*, not anchor*lady*! And that is a scientific fact.
Brick Tamland: I don't know what we're yelling about!
Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?
Ron Burgundy: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Brick Tamland: [shouts] Loud noises!
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Brick Tamland: [when Veronica is replacing Ron after he fails to turn up] You're not Ron...
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Ron Burgundy: I'm Ron Burgundy, go fuck yourself, San Diego.
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Ron Burgundy: Don't you know I'd never say fuck! Fuck!
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Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
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Ron Burgundy: I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.
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Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.
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Ron Burgundy: [after jumping into the grizzly bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.
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Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch!
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!
Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
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Ron Burgundy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?
Brick Tamland: I don't know.
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Champ Kind: What's this?
Wes Mantooth: Well, well, well, Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team.
Ron Burgundy: Hello, Wes Mantooth, Hello, Evening News team.
Wes Mantooth: Nice clothes, gentlemen! I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale. Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys!
Brick Tamland: Hey! Where did you get those clothes? At the toilet store?
Wes Mantooth: What are you doing on our stations turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beat down.
Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
Ron Burgundy: Hey leave the mothers out of this. It's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset about finishing second in the ratings again.
Wes Mantooth: That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy. You know those rating systems are flawed. They don't take in account houses that have... uh... more than two television sets... and other things of that nature.
Ron Burgundy: I guess I have to take you at your word, No.2. You have a great day, fellas, we'll see you around the bend.
Wes Mantooth: Son of a bitch!
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Wes Mantooth: I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale!
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Champ Kind: What in the hell's diversity?
Ron Burgundy: [clears throat] Well, I could be wrong, but I believe uh, diversity is an old wooden ship that was used during the civil war era.
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Brian Fantana: Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live.
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Ron Burgundy: Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Veronica Corningstone: You weren't here! Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?
Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you did this to me! You read my news!
Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. ?Veronica had a very funny joke today.? I laughed at it later that night!
Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you!
Ron Burgundy: Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!
Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.
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Brian Fantana: That was one crazy party. I am hung over.
Champ Kind: I woke up on the floor of some Japanesse family's living room, and they would NOT stop screaming!
Brick Tamland: I ate a big, red candle.
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[first title card]
Title card: The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.
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Ron Burgundy: [singing] Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.
Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland: [singing] Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.
Ron Burgundy: You guys have it, I think.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
Champ Kind: I don't know Ron, That sounds kinda crazy.
Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
Brick Tamland: Yeah you got mental problems, man.
Brian Fantana: Yeah, he really does.
Brick Tamland: Man.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
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Ron Burgundy: The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show...
[kisses his biceps]
Ron Burgundy: and see if she likes the goods.
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Ron Burgundy: [thinks Baxter the dog has just called him] Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee.
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Ron Burgundy: [Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind making prank phone calls to Veronica Corningstone] This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.
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Wes Mantooth: I hate you, Ron Burgundy! I hate you!
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Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I am a professional and I would like to do my job.
Ron Burgundy: Big deal! I am very professional!
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I'm a MAN, I am an ANCHORMAN!
Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke!
Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
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Ron Burgundy: Great Odin's raven!
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Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone as the news has just gone off the air] You're a real hooker. I'm gonna slap you in public.
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Brian Fantana: [speaking of a musk] They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time it works every time.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.
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Brian Fantana: Time to musk up.
Ron Burgundy: What cologne are you going to go with? London Gentleman? Black Beard's Delight?
Brian Fantana: No, she gets the special cologne. Sex Panther, made by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries. It contains real panther bits, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent. It's a formidable scent.
Brian Fantana: [holding the bottle of Sex Panther] They've done studies you know- 60% of the time, it works every time.
[cheesy grin]
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make any sense.
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Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.
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Spanish Anchor: Policia!
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Ron Burgundy: [sporting an erection after talking to Veronica, addressing the office] Don't act like you're not impressed!
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Announcer: You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.
Veronica Corningstone: Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.
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Ron Burgundy: The human torch was denied a bank loan.
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Veronica Corningstone: [after smelling the Sex Panther cologne] Ugh... it smells like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food!
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Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor...
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down in my diary - Veronica had a very funny joke today. I laughed about it later that night!
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[first lines]
Bill Lawson: [narration] There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.
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Ron Burgundy: It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.
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Veronica Corningstone: ...and that can be very distracting. Okay, so when we get to the pet shop...
Brick Tamland: [while coughing] Cough. Look over here.
[spoken]
Brick Tamland: Excuse me, Veronica?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes? What is it, Brick?
Brick Tamland: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me?
Brick Tamland: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?
Veronica Corningstone: Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
Brick Tamland: That's it.
Veronica Corningstone: Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
Brick Tamland: No! Yes. He did.
Veronica Corningstone: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
Brick Tamland: Very well. Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?
Ian: No, Brick.
Brick Tamland: All right. Let's go.
[runs off, there is a sound of crashing off screen]
Brick Tamland: It's all right! I'm all right!
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Brian Fantana: Well, is this a shortcut or what?
Brick Tamland: [laughing] Okay.
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Brian Fantana: Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes!
Champ Kind: Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.
Brick Tamland: Fantastic!
Ron Burgundy: Well, is it a shortcut or not?
Brick Tamland: Okay!
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Ron Burgundy: Do you guys really want to know what love is?
Brick Tamland: More than anything in the world, Ron.
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Ron Burgundy: [driving in car, speaking to Baxter] Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.
[throws burrito out the window]
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Ron Burgundy: [picking up phone] Ron Burgundy. Stay classy, San Diego. Hello, Baxter? Baxter, is that you? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the decency to say something!
[falls off chair screaming]
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Veronica Corningstone: Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.
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[subtitled conversation between Ron's dog Baxter and an attacking bear]
Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.
Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.
Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.
Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.
Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.
Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.
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Ron Burgundy: [while both characters are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town] I freakin' love you!
Veronica Corningstone: I freakin' love you back!
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Ed Harken: [on the phone] I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.
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Ron Burgundy: Son of a bee-sting!
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Brick Tamland: Where'd you get those clothes from, the toilet store?
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Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego.
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Brick Tamland: I pooped a hammer.
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Wes Mantooth: I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale?
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Brick Tamland: [riding a bear] Hey, Ron! I'm riding a furry tractor!
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Bill Lawson: [narrating] Brick Tamland is married with 11 children and is one of the top political advisors to the Bush White House.
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Spanish Anchor: Como estan, bitches?
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Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Brian Fantana: Damn it!
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Brick Tamland: I love... carpet.
[pause]
Brick Tamland: I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp! I love lamp.
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Brick Tamland: I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.
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Ed Harken: [on the phone with his son] Put down the gun, and let the marching band go! We'll play it off as a prank.
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Angry Biker: I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass!
Ron Burgundy: If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary ready for ya.
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Public TV News Anchor: Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials, no mercy!
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Ron Burgundy: I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.
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Ron Burgundy: Knights of Columbus, that hurt!
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Ron Burgundy: Look, it's the most glorious rainbow ever.
Veronica Corningstone: Do me on it!
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Veronica Corningstone: [in bear pit] In case we die here today, there's something that you should know. That dirty trick with the Teleprompter. It wasn't...
Ron Burgundy: Sweet Eli Whitney's nose! It wasn't you, was it? It was Wes Mantooth. Oh, I should have known.
Veronica Corningstone: No, no. No, I did it.
Ron Burgundy: [screams] You bitch!
[bears wake up]
Ron Burgundy: You woke up the bears! Why did you do that?
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Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy! You have a massive erection!
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Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection!
Ron Burgundy: Oh, uh, it's the pleats...
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Ron Burgundy: [doing mouth exercises] How now, brown cow.
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Ron Burgundy: By the beard of Zeus!
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Ron Burgundy: I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.
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Brian Fantana: It's called Sex Panther by Odeon; it's illegal in nine countries. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
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Brick Tamland: [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.
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Wes Mantooth: What are you doing on our stations turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beatdown.
Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
Ron Burgundy: Hey, leave the mothers out of this - all right?; it's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset over finishing second in the ratings again.
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Brick Tamland: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches.
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Brian Fantana: So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at nine, instead of eight.
Ron Burgundy: Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.
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Bill Lawson: Bob Dylan once wrote, The times, they are a-changin. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song.
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Ron Burgundy: This is Ron Burgundy, proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things ever to happen to San Diago or even the world. But in order to properly retell it, I'm going to need some help from my co-anchor, Miss Veronica Corningstone.
Brick Tamland: [comes on camera] High Pressure systems...
Ron Burgundy: [shoves Brick] No, no, no, no, Brick.
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Ron Burgundy: [looking at his reflection in the mirror] Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone... come and see how good I look!
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Ed Harken: Sweetheart, you and I have had this discussion a million times. There's never been a woman anchor.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Harken, this city needs its news. And you are going to deprive them of that because I have breasts? Exquisite breasts? Now, I am gonna goi on, and if you want to try and stop me, bring it on. Because I am good at three things: Fighting, screwing, and reading the news. I've already done one of those today, so what's the other one gonna be? Huh?
Ed Harken: [thinks about it] ... Screwing?
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[from trailer]
Ron Burgundy: Hey Garth! How's the divorce?
Garth Holliday: Oh, not so good... I'll probably never see my kids again...
Ron Burgundy: FAN-tastic.
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Brian Fantana: People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.
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Spanish Anchor: Tonight's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood.
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Ron Burgundy: [to an offscreen cameraman] I'm on right now?... I don't believe you.
[goes on smoking]
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Brick Tamland: [after a rival news team insults Ron and the team] Heinie...
[laughs]
Brick Tamland: he said heinie!
Champ Kind: Brick, get back over here!
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Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.
Frank Vitchard: Oh yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place
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Ron Burgundy: Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe!
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Frank Vitchard: [after getting his right arm sliced off by a machete] I did *not* see that coming!
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Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.
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Brian Fantana: That was some crazy party. I am hungover.
Champ Kind: I know. I woke up this morning and I shit a squirrel. I'm not kidding! It just came out of nowhere. I tried to flush it down the toilet and it crawled back up.
Brick Tamland: Sorry, Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.
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Ron Burgundy: I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.
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Ron Burgundy: [Ron Burgundy is handed a salad with cat poop] I will *not* eat that!
Tino: You will eat that cat poop!
Ron Burgundy: I will not eat cat poop!
Tino: You will eat that cat poop before you talk about my city that way again!
Ron Burgundy: Fine, if I eat the cat poop, will you bring me a steak?
[he eats the cat poop]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, God!
Tino: Somebody get him a steak quick!
Ron Burgundy: I'll eat the whole hunk of shit! I don't care!
[he begins crying]
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Ed Harken: Apparently, my son was on something called "Acid," and was shooting a bow and arrow into a crowd.
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Ron Burgundy: [after smelling the Sex Panther cologne] It's a formidable scent. It stings the nostrils. Why, to be honest with you, Brian, it smells like pure gasoline.
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Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica] It's all right, my sweet chinchilla.
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Ron Burgundy: I'm expressing my inner anguish through the majesty of song.
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Ron Burgundy: [after Brian introduces Ron to a girl, who then later points toward her breasts] Uh-oh! She pointed to her boobies!
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Ron Burgundy: [signing off] You stay classy, Planet Earth.
