Andy Stitzer: [yells] Yooooooooow, Kelly Clarkson!
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Andy Stitzer: Really? All your girlfriends wanted to have sex with virgins too? That's funny... I didn't even know you g-girls talked like that. I think my first time might be your best time too. Well I knew it, you know what? I knew that you'd react that way and I knew that you would want to lead me through my first sexual encounter will all the compassion and care that someone would give to their soulmate.
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David: Know how I knew you were gay? You like Coldplay.
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Cal: [David and Cal Playing a video Game] You're *gay* now?
David: No, I'm not gay I'm just celibate.
Cal: I think… I mean, that sounds ga- I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like... there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm I'm a g-gay guy now".
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you're gay… and you can tell who other gay people are.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.
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David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says "I love it when *balls* are in my face".
Cal: That's *gay*?
David: [David loses second match] Goddamnit!
Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and *now* I'm throwing it at your body.
[shouts]
Cal: Fuck you!
David: Aww.
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[the waxing lady is putting the first coat of wax on Andy's chest]
Cal: If she starts waxing his pubes, I'm outta here.
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Cal: Oh, man, I had a weekend.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah?
Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: I kinda felt bad for the horse!
Andy Stitzer: Wow, that's something.
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Boy at Health Clinic: Do you have any extra large condoms?
Boy at Health Clinic: Seth, you've got a tiny penis.
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Andy Stitzer: [from Tarilor] This is not a good look for me!
[after having belly waxed]
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Haziz: Do you know how I know you're gay? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.
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Jay: He sold his old toys for over half a million dollars! We gotta get some toys!
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Cal: Before I knew, I thought you were a serial killer.
Andy Stitzer: Oh.
[chuckles]
Cal: No, I'm serious.
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Cal: [talking about Trish being a grandma] You should fuck her and then have her send you $12 on your birthday.
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Andy Stitzer: [painting his toy figure] I'm gonna make your silver pants blue!
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Cal: I touched a guy's balls once in Hebrew School.
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Haziz: [Jay is fighting with a black customer] Tonight's forecast: Dark and Cloudy. With a slight chance of drive-by.
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Mooj: [to Jay] Tell me something, when your child is born, is he already on parole?
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Mooj: So tell me, when your child is born, will he already be on probation?
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Cal: She's a grandma? Man. I wish my grandma looked like that. My grandma looks like Jack Palance. If Jack Palance looked like her I'd wanna fuck Jack Palance.
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David: [David talking about his ex girlfriend] Yeah... she's adorable... fuckin' bitch.
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David: [Andy shirtless on body wax table] I love your sweater. Does it come in a V-neck?
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Andy Stitzer: Keep your bitch on a leash.
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Andy Stitzer: [while getting his chest waxed] Ooh! Como se llama!
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David: Andy, for the last time, I don't want your big box of porn!
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Jay: You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal
[to Andy]
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Cal: [looking at Andy's action figures] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
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Paula: [propositioning Andy to be her 'friend with benefits'] I'm very discreet... but I will haunt your dreams.
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Andy Stitzer: [after having wax ripped the hair from his nipple] Nipplefucker!
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Trish: I'm throwing myself at you and all you can think about are fucking toys.
Andy Stitzer: They're not fucking toys! This is Ironman, okay?
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Jay: From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm gonna get you laid.
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Andy Stitzer: Well, if you loved her so much, why did you cheat on her?
Jay: [sobbing violently] Because! Duh! I'm insecure! Can't you tell?
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Haziz: How come we never get invited to parties? What are we, fucking Al Qaeda?
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David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: Because you're gay so you can tell who the gay people are.
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Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal that you like to fuck guys. I'm cool, I got friends who fuck guys... in jail.
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Jay: Nastiest shit you've ever done? I'm talkin' about *nasty*!
Andy Stitzer: Ahhhhhhhh....wow. Soooo many stories are running through my head right now.
[pause]
Andy Stitzer: I dated this girl for a while... she was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to... get down with... sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day... she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! cool!"
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Beth: [Andy is staring at her] Can I help you?
Andy Stitzer: Do I need help?
Beth: Ummm... is there something you are looking for?
Andy Stitzer: Is there something I should be looking for?
Beth: We have an extensive do-it-yourself section.
Andy Stitzer: Do you like to ... do it yourself?
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Mooj: Go fuck a goat.
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Jay: [after seeing someone get slaughtered in a movie on the widescreen TV displays] Woah! Fuck that nigga up!!
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David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."
Cal: That's gay?
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Andy Stitzer: I'm a virgin. I always have been.
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David: Know how I know you're gay? You like Coldplay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
David: Dude, you look like a man-o-lantern.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andy Stitzer: That billboard had two sides, and both of them hurt equally.
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Andy Stitzer: [after his co-workers figure out that he's a virgin, he tries to deny it] You guys... are up... your... asses.
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[Pick-up line]
Andy Stitzer: I hope you have a big trunk... because I'm puttin' my bike in it.
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Andy Stitzer: Is this shirt too yellow?
Cal: No.
[pause]
Cal: Tell me, what's Curious George like in real life?
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[about how he knew the prostitute was really a transvestite]
Andy Stitzer: She had hands as big as Andre the Giant, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls!
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Cal: Be David Caruso in "Jade."
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Trish: [on the bed, kissing] Do you have protection?
Andy Stitzer: No, I don't like guns.
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Andy Stitzer: [just had chest hair ripped off by waxing lady] Fuuuuck! I *hate* you!
Waxing Lady: Sorry.
Andy Stitzer: [calms down very quickly] Gosh, I am so sorry. I usually don't curse.
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Andy Stitzer: [about Beth] That woman scares the shit out of me!
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Cal: You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you've gotta fuck the plant.
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Beth: Ooh, you know where to shave me.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah! I wanna shave your head.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andy Stitzer: That girl was a ho... for sho.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andy Stitzer: I should pull up the hardwood to see if there's carpet underneath.
[small chuckles]
Andy Stitzer: No. That's never the case.
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Andy Stitzer: Einstein rode a bike!
Trish: He also had a wife! Whom he fucked!
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Andy Stitzer: [while getting his chest waxed] Aaaah, I hate you! Stop smiling, you jerk!
