Wednesday, September 21
Movie Quotes: Sin City (2005)
Dwight: I'm Shellie's new boyfriend and I'm out of my mind. If you so much as talk to her or even think her name, I'll cut you in ways that'll make you useless to a woman.
Jack Rafferty: You're making a big mistake, man. A *big* mistake.
Dwight: You made a big mistake yourself... you didn't flush.
[Dwight shoves Jackie Boy's head into a toilet filled with urine]
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Marv: I love hitmen. No matter what you do to them, you don't feel bad.
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[a grenade lands at his feet]
Dwight: And everything seemed to be going so well.
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[repeated line]
Dwight, Gail: Yeesh.
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Dwight: Yeesh!
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Wendy: [to Marv] You can call me Goldie.
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Dwight: The Valkyrie at my side is shouting and laughing with the pure, hateful, bloodthirsty joy of the slaughter... and so am I.
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Marv: This is blood for blood and by the gallon. These are the old days, the bad days, the all-or-nothing days. They're back! There's no choice left. And I'm ready for war.
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Marv: I had a fight with some cops.
Lucille: Didn't happen to kill any of them, did you?
Marv: Not that I know of, but they know they been in a fight, that's for damn sure.
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Marv: It wasn't you losers who killed Goldie. The guy who did that knew what he was doing. Still, you got to have something to tell me. Like who it was who sent you.
[Marv pistol whips him]
Marv: [pause]
Marv: I don't hear you giving me any name, jerk. Guess when I shot you in the belly, I aimed a little too high.
[shoots him in the crotch]
Marv: You keep holding out on me like this, and I'm going to have to get really nasty.
Stan: It was Telly Stern passed me the order. Runs the tables over to the Triple Ace Club.
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Ronnie: Remember - we don't have to deliver every last inch of the man, Brian!
Brian: You're right, Ronnie - lend us your knife.
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Marv: Modern cars - they all look like electric shavers.
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Cardinal Roark: Kevin? Is that you?
Marv: [holding up Kevin's severed head] What's left of him, anyway. The dog ate the rest.
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Cardinal Roark: Will that bring you satisfaction, my son? Killing a helpless, old, fart.
Marv: Killing? No. No satisfaction. Everything up until the killing, will be a gas.
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[last lines]
The Salesman: Care for a smoke?
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[narration]
Marv: The night's as hot as hell. It's a lousy room in a lousy part of a lousy town - I'm staring at a goddess. She's telling me she wants me. I'm not going to waste one more minute wondering how I've gotten this lucky. She smells like angels ought to smell, the perfect woman... the Goddess. Goldie. She says her name is Goldie.
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Nancy, Age 11: They won't let me testify. I told the cops that you saved my life and they just acted like I was crazy. They talked my parents into keeping me away. They said that you done things that you didn't do. I told them that you saved me from that Roark creep, but they won't even check me out to see if I'm still a virgin. I'm still a virgin, still alive...thanks to you. They got it all backwards.
John Hartigan: Sometimes the truth doesn't matter like it ought. But you'll always remember things right. That's gonna mean a lot to me. But stay away, Nancy. They'll kill you if you don't stay away. Don't visit me. Don't write me. Don't even say my name.
Nancy, Age 11: Maybe you won't let me visit, but I'll still write to you, Hartigan. I'll sign my letters "Cordelia." That's the name of a really cool detective in books I read. I'll write to you every week...for forever.
John Hartigan: Sure, kid. Now run on home. It's not safe for you here.
[Nancy walks away]
John Hartigan: Bye, Nancy.
[Nancy turns around at the door]
Nancy, Age 11: I love you.
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Marv: She smells like angels ought to smell. The perfect woman. The goddess.
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Cardinal Roark: What the hell do you know...
Marv: I know it's pretty damn weird to eat people.
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John Hartigan: An old man dies. A young girl lives. A fair trade. I love you, Nancy.
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Marv: I had to fight some cops.
Lucille: Oh, that's lovely. You didn't happen to kill any of them, did you?
Marv: Nah, I don't think so, but they know they been in a fight, that's for sure.
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Senator Rourk: Tell anybody the truth and they're dead!
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[Dwight is driving to The Pits]
Jack Rafferty: ...sccaught you ssmokinggthere, bud.
Dwight: You shut the hell up, Jackie-Boy. You're dead. I'm just imagining this, so shut the hell up.
Jack Rafferty: ...Hntells you somethin 'bout your sstate a' mind don't it?... Ss'got you hearin things'got yer nerves shot. S'got you ssmoking... You know it's truuuuuuue nobody ever really quitsss... Smoker's a smoker when the chips're downn and your chips're down, pretty much
Dwight: I'm fine, you shut the hell up.
Jack Rafferty: Will ya look at thaat! Oooooh, those hookers let ya dowwnn hehehehe... What're you gonna do when ya run outta gas? Call Triple A? You ssucker for the babes, you... You ain't even gonna make itt to The Pitss.
Dwight: You shut the hell up... I'll make it.
Jack Rafferty: Not unless you keep your eyess on the road, sshugar-pie...
[shouts]
Jack Rafferty: Watch it!
Dwight: [Dwight swerves to miss an oncoming car. Jackie-Boy falls onto Dwight's arm, leaning on him]
Jack Rafferty: Ahh this is grrreatt, s'just like being in a buddy movie. Heheheheh...
Dwight: Shut Up!
[flings Jackie-Boy off of him]
Jack Rafferty: Hehehe
[cop on a motorcycle follows them]
Jack Rafferty: Oh, you're screwed. It's over
[lights cigarette]
Jack Rafferty: You're flushed.
Dwight: This time I can't bring myself to tell him to shut up. Sure he's an asshole... Sure he's dead... Sure I'm just imagining that he's talking. None of that stops the bastard from being absolutely right. I don't have a chance in hell of outrunning this cop. Not in this heap. The only question left is whether I'm gonna kill him or not. Tough call. For all I know, he's an honest cop, regular guy. Working stiff with a mortgage, a wife and a pile of kids. My hand moves all on its own, sliding on of my guns to my lap and thumbing back the hammer. I don't know what to do...
Jack Rafferty: You better stopp, you're making him mad.
Dwight: ...Whatever you say...
[slams on the brakes, smashing Jackie-Boy's head into the dashboard]
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Yellow Bastard: [on the phone] And it'd better be perfect or I'm gonna call my dad!
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Yellow Bastard: [to Hartigan] My dad - I'd love him if I didn't *hate* him! He spent a fortune hiring every expert on the planet to grow back that equipment you blew off between my legs! He succeeded, although, as you can see, there were side effects...
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Yellow Bastard: [referring to 19-year-old Nancy] A little old for my taste, but I can forgive that just this once!
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Wendy: You sat there and took it... when you could've taken my gun away from me any time you wanted to...
Marv: Sure, but I thought I might be able to talk some sense into you. And I probably would've had to paste you one, getting the gun and I don't hurt dames.
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Dwight: It wasn't "Stop." Shellie wasn't saying "Stop." If I had waited and listened to her, I would've known. I could've warned the girls to go easy. To settle for scaring them off. Shellie didn't say "Stop," she said "Cop." He's a *cop*. Detective Lieutenant Jack Rafferty. "Iron Jack" the papers call him. A goddamn *hero cop*
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Marv: That's the thing with dames, sometimes all they gotta do is let it out and a few buckets later there's no way you'd know.
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John Hartigan: And after I pull off that miracle, maybe I'll go punch out God.
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Dwight: Get that gun out of my face, Gail.
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Marv: [at his own execution] Would you hurry it up? I haven't got all night.
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Dwight: My warrior woman. My Valkyrie. You'll always be mine, always and never. Never. The Fire, baby. It'll burn us both. It'll kill us both. there's no place in this world for our kind of fire. Always and never. If I have to die for you tonight, I will.
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Marv: I'll stare the bastard in the face as he screams to God, and I'll laugh harder when he whimpers like a baby. And when his eyes go dead, the hell I send him to will seem like heaven after what I've done to him.
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Brian: Want the head there, sweetheart? Come and get it!
[Dwight jumps into the sewer, guns blazing]
Brian: I coulda put a bullet in your ear just now, laddy, if I hadn't gone off and got me revolver all wet and useless.
[big explosion]
Brian: Better come clean with ya now, sweetheart. That was an outright lie I was giving ya about me revolver.
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Marv: I check the list. Rubber tubing, gas, saw, gloves, cuffs, razor wire, hatchet, Gladys, and my mitts.
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Dwight: Most people think Marv is crazy. He just had the rotten luck of being born in the wrong century. He'd be right at home on some ancient battlefield swinging an axe into somebody's face. Or in a Roman arena, taking his sword to other gladiators like him. They woulda tossed him girls like Nancy back then.
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[voice over]
John Hartigan: I take out his weapons.
[shoots Junior's hand]
John Hartigan: [pauses] Both of them.
[shoots Junior's groin]
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Gail: [to the Oldtown Girls] We'll fight the cops, the mob, and anybody else who tries to move in on us. We'll go to war.
Dwight: Don't be stupid, Gail. Get me a car.
Gail: Who do you think you are? You got what you wanted out of us.
[Gail puts the gun to his face]
Gail: You got what you wanted out of me.
Dwight: If I don't make it back, you can have your war.
[Dwight and Gail kiss]
Dwight: [to Miho] get me a hardtop with a decent engine and make sure it?s got a big trunk.
[to Gail]
Dwight: I love you baby.
Gail: Always and never.
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[repeated line]
Marv: That there is one damn fine coat you're wearin'.
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Marv: I know it's pretty damn weird to eat people.
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Priest: ...ask yourself if that corpse of a slut is worth dying for.
Marv: Worth dying for.
[shoots priest]
Marv: Worth killing for.
[shoots him again]
Marv: Worth going to hell for.
[shoots him again]
Marv: Amen.
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Dwight: She doesn't quite chop his head off. She makes a Pez dispenser out of him.
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Dwight: Miho. You're an angel. You're a saint. You're Mother Teresa. You're Elvis. You're God. And if you'd shown up about ten minutes earlier, we'd still have Jackie-Boy's head.
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Dwight: I tell little Miho what has to be done. Then I?ll make the most important phone call in my life.
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Marv: He never screams. Even after the dog has its fill and his guts are hanging out, he never screams.
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John Hartigan: When it comes to reassuring a traumatized 19-year-old, I'm about as expert as a palsy victim doing brain surgery with a pipe wrench.
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John Hartigan: There's wrong, and there's wrong, and there's *this*.
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Stuka: [after getting shot with an arrow] Hey... Will ya look at that? It's right through me. Guys, look. It's cut a hole right through me.
Schutz: There's something wrapped around it. Some kind of note.
Manute: Give it to me.
Stuka: Guys, this is starting to really hurt. Just look at it. It's poked a hole right through me. Guys?
Manute: [reading the note] McCarthy, you fool.
Stuka: Guys, don't you think maybe somebody oughta call a doctor for me or something? This isn't the kind of thing you just ignore, guys.
Manute: Out back. Everyone. Bring the women.
Stuka: Guys?
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Marv: Wait a second. Why'd she call you Wendy?
Wendy: Because that's my name, you ape. Goldie was my sister. My twin sister.
Marv: I guess she was the nice one.
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Marv: [to Kevin] I got you now, ya little bastard. Let's see you hop around now.
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[Marv?s last line]
Marv: Is that the best you can do, you pansies?
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Dwight: Deadly little Miho. She won't let you feel a thing unless she wants you to. She twists the blade. He feels it.
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John Hartigan: Aim careful, and look the devil in the eye.
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Becky: I don't do group jobs.
Jack Rafferty: Come on, get in the car, baby. We'll just talk. It'll be nice.
Becky: I don't do talk jobs either.
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Jack Rafferty: Come on in the car, baby.
Becky: I'm sorry. I do the day shift and it's been a long day. Besides, I don't do group jobs.
Jack Rafferty: Come on in and we can just have a nice talk.
Becky: I don't do talk jobs either.
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[after Jackie-Boy's head explodes]
Manute: No, McCarthy, you shit!
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John Hartigan: Skinny little Nancy Callahan. She grew up. She filled out.
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Marv: I'm on my feet for about ten minutes before the cops kick them out from under me. They don't ask me any questions. They just keep knocking the crap out of me and waving a confession in my face. And I keep spitting blood all over it and laughing at how many fresh copies they come up with. Then along comes this worm assistant district attorney who turns the recorder off and says if I don't sign their confession, they'll kill my mom. I break his arm in three places and I sign it.
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Marv: Hell's waking up every goddamn day and not even knowing why you're here.
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John Hartigan: [to Nancy] Whatever he does you: don't scream.
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Marv: You can scream now if you want.
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[Hartigan is on his way to go save a girl from a rapist]
Bob: I'm gonna get on the horn and wait for back-up. We're gonna wait for back-up!
John Hartigan: Sure, Bob. You'll call for back-up. And we'll sit on our hands while that Roark brat gets his sick thrills from viction number four. Victim number four! Nancy Callahan. Age 11. She'll be raped and slashed to ribbons. And that back-up we're waiting on will just happen to show up late enough to let Roark get back home to his U.S. Senator daddy and everything will be fine until Junior gets the itch again.
Bob: Take a deep breath, Hartigan. Settle down and think straight. You're pushing 60. You've got a bum ticker. You're not saving anybody.
John Hartigan: You've got a great attitude, Bob. You're a great cop. A real credit to the force, you are.
Bob: Eileen's home waiting for you. Think about Eileen.
John Hartigan: Heck, Bob. Maybe you're right.
Bob: I'm glad to hear you're finally talking sense!
[Hartigan punches Bob in the face]
John Hartigan: [narrating] Hell of a way to end a partnership. Hell of a way to start my retirement.
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Cop: There's no sign of him!
Marv: Here's a sign!
[hits cop in groin with hatchet]
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John Hartigan: [pounding Yellow Bastard into floor]
[shouts]
John Hartigan: Eight long years, you son of a bitch!
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Shellie: [after Dwight drowns Jackie-Boy in his own urine] Dwight, what did you do to him?
Dwight: I gave him a taste of his own medicine.
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Cardinal Roark: [holding Kevin's head before Marv kills him] We're going home, Kevin.
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Marv: Lucille's my parole officer. She's a dyke, but God knows why. With that body of hers she could have any man she wants.
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Dwight: Do I risk it all and take this cop down?
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Klump: I can only express puzzlement, that borders on alarm.
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Lucille: [screaming] He made me watch!
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Dwight: It's your apartment. But be careful, Shellie, this clown's got big, mean drunk-on and he's got four friends out there in the hall, breathing hard and just as drunk as he is.
Jack Rafferty: Hey, I could swear I heard somebody in there with you, just now. You got somebody with you, baby? You be honest with me. You owe me that much.
Shellie: Somebody? Jackie Boy, it's a regular African love-fest in here. I got me all five starters and half the bench of the Basin City Blues keeping me company. You feel like taking them on?
Jack Rafferty: You're teasing me, baby. I'm no racist.
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Jack Rafferty: You're gonna love this, baby.
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Klump: And, if my current state of much-justified petulance permits me to press the point, you are likeways demonstratably bereft of a working understanding of the perimeters of our beforementioned mission at hand.
Klump: Relevant to said mission is the following query I now put forth to you. Said query concerning matters strictly spatial in nature... Wherein this most streamlined and trunkless of transports, boner-inspiring though it may be, wherein are we to reposit our recently deceased cargo?
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Senator Rourk: Evening, Officer. I don't have to introduce myself, do I? You read the papers. This being an election year, you've seen plenty of my picture. You know what I can do. And I'm doing you, Hartigan. Cold and hard, I'm doing you.
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[from trailer]
Jack Rafferty: You wanna see it? You wanna see what I got?
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Jack Rafferty: You want to see it? You wanna see what I got?
Becky: I've seen all shapes, all sizes.
Jack Rafferty: [pulls gun] You seen this one?
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Dwight: Where to fight, it counts for a lot. But there's nothing like having your friends show up with lots of guns.
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[from trailer]
Yellow Bastard: Recognize my voice, Hartigan? Recognize my voice, you piece-of-shit cop? I look different, but I bet you can recognize my voice!
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Marv: What if I'm wrong? I've got a condition. I get confused sometimes. What if I've imagined all this? What if I've finally turned into what they've always said I would turn into? A maniac. A psycho killer.
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Marv: [voiceover] Goldie's dead. I've been framed for murder. The cops are in on it.
Cop: [knocks on door] Open up! Police!
Marv: I'll be right out.
[flicks lighter shut]
Marv: [Door is blown off its hinges, taking several cops with it]
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[from trailer]
Dwight: It's time to prove to your friends that you're worth a damn. Sometimes that means dying, sometimes it means killing a whole lot of people.
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Becky: [after Jackie Boy pulls a gun out on her] Oh, sugar, you just gone and done the dumbest thing in your whole life.
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Dwight: This clown's out of control. I followed him here to make sure he didn't hurt any of the girls.
Gail: Us helpless little girls.
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John Hartigan: I'm looking for Nancy Callahan?
Shellie: Eyes to the stage, pilgrim. She's just warming up.
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Marv: [narrating] Walk down the right back alley in Sin City, and you can find anything...
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[after being smacked in the jaw by Jackie Boy]
Bozo No. 1: [about Jackie Boy] He is generous. But that temper of his... you shouldn't have picked on him like you did. My temper, you don't have to worry about.
Shellie: [grabs a knife and points it at him] Shut up and keep your hands to yourself, or I'll cut your little pecker off.
Bozo No. 1: Woo! I been told!
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[from trailer]
The Salesman: The wind rises electric. She's soft and warm and almost weightless. Her perfume is sweet promise that brings tears to my eyes. I tell her that everything will be all right; that I'll save her from whatever she's scared and take her far far away. I tell her that I love her.
[silenced gunshot]
The Salesman: The silencer makes a whisper of the gunshot. I hold her close until she's gone. I'll never know what she was running from. I'll cash her check in the morning.
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[from trailer]
Jack Rafferty: Come on get in the car baby, we'll just talk it'd be nice.
[pulls gun]
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Jack Rafferty: Baby doll, I've had me one helluva bad day. I've been beaten up every time I turn around.
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John Hartigan: Roark! Give it up. Let the girl go.
Roark Jr.: [holding a young Nancy] You can't do a goddamn thing to me Hartigan. You know who I am. You know who my father is! You can't touch me, you piece of shit cop! Look at you, you can't even lift that cannon you carry!
John Hartigan: [pause] Sure I can.
[shoots Junior]
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Manute: The truce of Sin City will be shattered. There'll be arrests, there'll be deaths. Nothing can stop this.
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Marv: I don't know about you, but I'm havin' a ball.
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John Hartigan: [after turning down Nancy] Cold shower. It helps.
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Nancy Callahan: [to Hartigan] It has always been you. All these years...
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John Hartigan: [beating the Yellow Bastard's head in] After a while all I'm doing is punching wet chips of bone into the floorboards. So I stop.
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Cop: You tagged him good.
Cop: Don't take no chances. Perforate the fool!
John Hartigan: [turns around and shoots them] Good advice.
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Jack Rafferty: [with his hand cut, and one of Miho's shuriken in his butt, while crawling to pick up his hand] Don't laugh, it's not funny!
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Brian: [to Dwight] Never give an Irishman a cause for revenge.
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Yellow Bastard: [raises knife] Here it comes, it's gonna hurt.
John Hartigan: You're right about that.
[stabs him]
John Hartigan: Sucker.
Tuesday, September 20
Movie Quotes: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Memorable Quotes from
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
Ron Burgundy: [to dog] You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.
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Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...
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Frank Vitchard: I am gonna straight-up murder your ass!
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Garth Holliday: [after smelling the Sex Panther cologne] It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!
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Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh!
Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food! Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people
Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee: Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
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Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without ya. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you. I miss being near you! I miss your laugh! I miss - I miss your scent. I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.
Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while.
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Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team!
Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you! I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
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Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic.
Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic.
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Veronica Corningstone: Take me to Pleasure Town!
Ron Burgundy: Oh, we're going there!
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Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?
Brian Fantana: Panda Watch! The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.
[to the Panda]
Brian Fantana: Hey, you're making me look stupid! Get out of here, Panda Jerk!
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Champ Kind: What's it like, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: The intimate times? Outta sight, my man!
Brian Fantana: No, the other thing - love.
Brick Tamland: Yeah, what is that?
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Ron Burgundy: Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
Brian Fantana: I don't know, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises! And then our children will form a family band! And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited!
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Brian Fantana: [seriously] I'm telling you, this lady has really crawled into Ron's head.
Brick Tamland: [breaks out laughing] Good one!
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Veronica Corningstone: Oh, Ron, there are literally thousands of men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 per cent sure that I love you!
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Ron Burgundy: [to waiter] I'll have three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper... and some cheese.
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Public TV News Anchor: No commercials;
[shouts]
Public TV News Anchor: no mercy!
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Ron Burgundy: [playing flute solo] Hey, Aqualung!
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Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry!
Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!
Veronica Corningstone: Well you... have bad hair!
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Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica after the news has just gone off the air] You've got a dirty whorish mouth.
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Announcer: [theme music begins] Channel 4 News, with five-time Emmy-award winning anchor Ron Burgundy. Champ Kind, Sports. Brick Tamland, Weather. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana. It's the Channel 4 News at 6:00!
Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.
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Ron Burgundy: [picking his teeth] Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.
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Tino: We have a saying in my country - the coyote of the desert likes to eat the heart of the young and the blood drips down to his children for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
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Veronica Corningstone: Because I have breasts... exquisite breasts?
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Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.
Champ Kind: Champ Kind.
Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.
Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.
Brick Tamland: Brian.
Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.
Brick Tamland: Veronica.
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Ron Burgundy: Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!
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Ron Burgundy: Ron Burgundy:
[when talking to Baxter]
Ron Burgundy: What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing! How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.
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Garth Holliday: Why'd you say that Ron? Why? You're my hero. And you say something dirty. Like poop. Poop mouth. I hate you Ron Burgundy, I hate you!
[runs away]
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Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.
[Veronica turns and walks away]
Ron Burgundy: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you.
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Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Veronica Corningstone: Really.
Ron Burgundy: People know me.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.
Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
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News Station Employee: It smells like Bigfoot's dick!
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Wes Mantooth: Can't say one word, huh? Even the guy that can't think said something!
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Ron Burgundy: 1001, 1002, 1003.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Sweet Lincoln's mullet!
-----------------------------------------------
Frank Vitchard: [after having his other arm ripped off by a bear]
[shouts]
Frank Vitchard: This is getting to be ri-god-damn-diculous!
-----------------------------------------------
Angry Biker: What do you love?
Ron Burgundy: I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.
Angry Biker: Well, now, guess what, this is happening.
[grabs Baxter]
Ron Burgundy: Excuse me... excuse me... what are you doing?
[biker punts Baxter over bridge]
Angry Biker: That's how I roll!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I'm in a glass case of emotion!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
Ed Harken: Dammit! Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [Ron's dog barks at him] You know I don't speak Spanish.
-----------------------------------------------
Bartender: You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.
Ron Burgundy: What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!
Champ Kind: It is anchor*man*, not anchor*lady*! And that is a scientific fact.
Brick Tamland: I don't know what we're yelling about!
Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?
Ron Burgundy: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Brick Tamland: [shouts] Loud noises!
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: [when Veronica is replacing Ron after he fails to turn up] You're not Ron...
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I'm Ron Burgundy, go fuck yourself, San Diego.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Don't you know I'd never say fuck! Fuck!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [after jumping into the grizzly bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch!
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!
Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?
Brick Tamland: I don't know.
-----------------------------------------------
Champ Kind: What's this?
Wes Mantooth: Well, well, well, Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team.
Ron Burgundy: Hello, Wes Mantooth, Hello, Evening News team.
Wes Mantooth: Nice clothes, gentlemen! I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale. Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys!
Brick Tamland: Hey! Where did you get those clothes? At the toilet store?
Wes Mantooth: What are you doing on our stations turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beat down.
Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
Ron Burgundy: Hey leave the mothers out of this. It's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset about finishing second in the ratings again.
Wes Mantooth: That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy. You know those rating systems are flawed. They don't take in account houses that have... uh... more than two television sets... and other things of that nature.
Ron Burgundy: I guess I have to take you at your word, No.2. You have a great day, fellas, we'll see you around the bend.
Wes Mantooth: Son of a bitch!
-----------------------------------------------
Wes Mantooth: I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale!
-----------------------------------------------
Champ Kind: What in the hell's diversity?
Ron Burgundy: [clears throat] Well, I could be wrong, but I believe uh, diversity is an old wooden ship that was used during the civil war era.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Veronica Corningstone: You weren't here! Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?
Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you did this to me! You read my news!
Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. ?Veronica had a very funny joke today.? I laughed at it later that night!
Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you!
Ron Burgundy: Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!
Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: That was one crazy party. I am hung over.
Champ Kind: I woke up on the floor of some Japanesse family's living room, and they would NOT stop screaming!
Brick Tamland: I ate a big, red candle.
-----------------------------------------------
[first title card]
Title card: The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [singing] Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.
Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland: [singing] Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.
Ron Burgundy: You guys have it, I think.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
Champ Kind: I don't know Ron, That sounds kinda crazy.
Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
Brick Tamland: Yeah you got mental problems, man.
Brian Fantana: Yeah, he really does.
Brick Tamland: Man.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show...
[kisses his biceps]
Ron Burgundy: and see if she likes the goods.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [thinks Baxter the dog has just called him] Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind making prank phone calls to Veronica Corningstone] This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.
-----------------------------------------------
Wes Mantooth: I hate you, Ron Burgundy! I hate you!
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I am a professional and I would like to do my job.
Ron Burgundy: Big deal! I am very professional!
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I'm a MAN, I am an ANCHORMAN!
Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke!
Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Great Odin's raven!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone as the news has just gone off the air] You're a real hooker. I'm gonna slap you in public.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: [speaking of a musk] They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time it works every time.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: Time to musk up.
Ron Burgundy: What cologne are you going to go with? London Gentleman? Black Beard's Delight?
Brian Fantana: No, she gets the special cologne. Sex Panther, made by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries. It contains real panther bits, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent. It's a formidable scent.
Brian Fantana: [holding the bottle of Sex Panther] They've done studies you know- 60% of the time, it works every time.
[cheesy grin]
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make any sense.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.
-----------------------------------------------
Spanish Anchor: Policia!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [sporting an erection after talking to Veronica, addressing the office] Don't act like you're not impressed!
-----------------------------------------------
Announcer: You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.
Veronica Corningstone: Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: The human torch was denied a bank loan.
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: [after smelling the Sex Panther cologne] Ugh... it smells like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food!
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor...
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down in my diary - Veronica had a very funny joke today. I laughed about it later that night!
-----------------------------------------------
[first lines]
Bill Lawson: [narration] There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: ...and that can be very distracting. Okay, so when we get to the pet shop...
Brick Tamland: [while coughing] Cough. Look over here.
[spoken]
Brick Tamland: Excuse me, Veronica?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes? What is it, Brick?
Brick Tamland: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me?
Brick Tamland: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?
Veronica Corningstone: Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
Brick Tamland: That's it.
Veronica Corningstone: Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
Brick Tamland: No! Yes. He did.
Veronica Corningstone: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
Brick Tamland: Very well. Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?
Ian: No, Brick.
Brick Tamland: All right. Let's go.
[runs off, there is a sound of crashing off screen]
Brick Tamland: It's all right! I'm all right!
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: Well, is this a shortcut or what?
Brick Tamland: [laughing] Okay.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes!
Champ Kind: Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.
Brick Tamland: Fantastic!
Ron Burgundy: Well, is it a shortcut or not?
Brick Tamland: Okay!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Do you guys really want to know what love is?
Brick Tamland: More than anything in the world, Ron.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [driving in car, speaking to Baxter] Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.
[throws burrito out the window]
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [picking up phone] Ron Burgundy. Stay classy, San Diego. Hello, Baxter? Baxter, is that you? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the decency to say something!
[falls off chair screaming]
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.
-----------------------------------------------
[subtitled conversation between Ron's dog Baxter and an attacking bear]
Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.
Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.
Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.
Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.
Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.
Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [while both characters are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town] I freakin' love you!
Veronica Corningstone: I freakin' love you back!
-----------------------------------------------
Ed Harken: [on the phone] I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Son of a bee-sting!
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: Where'd you get those clothes from, the toilet store?
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego.
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: I pooped a hammer.
-----------------------------------------------
Wes Mantooth: I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale?
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: [riding a bear] Hey, Ron! I'm riding a furry tractor!
-----------------------------------------------
Bill Lawson: [narrating] Brick Tamland is married with 11 children and is one of the top political advisors to the Bush White House.
-----------------------------------------------
Spanish Anchor: Como estan, bitches?
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Brian Fantana: Damn it!
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: I love... carpet.
[pause]
Brick Tamland: I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp! I love lamp.
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.
-----------------------------------------------
Ed Harken: [on the phone with his son] Put down the gun, and let the marching band go! We'll play it off as a prank.
-----------------------------------------------
Angry Biker: I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass!
Ron Burgundy: If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary ready for ya.
-----------------------------------------------
Public TV News Anchor: Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials, no mercy!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Knights of Columbus, that hurt!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Look, it's the most glorious rainbow ever.
Veronica Corningstone: Do me on it!
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: [in bear pit] In case we die here today, there's something that you should know. That dirty trick with the Teleprompter. It wasn't...
Ron Burgundy: Sweet Eli Whitney's nose! It wasn't you, was it? It was Wes Mantooth. Oh, I should have known.
Veronica Corningstone: No, no. No, I did it.
Ron Burgundy: [screams] You bitch!
[bears wake up]
Ron Burgundy: You woke up the bears! Why did you do that?
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy! You have a massive erection!
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection!
Ron Burgundy: Oh, uh, it's the pleats...
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [doing mouth exercises] How now, brown cow.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: By the beard of Zeus!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: It's called Sex Panther by Odeon; it's illegal in nine countries. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.
-----------------------------------------------
Wes Mantooth: What are you doing on our stations turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beatdown.
Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
Ron Burgundy: Hey, leave the mothers out of this - all right?; it's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset over finishing second in the ratings again.
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at nine, instead of eight.
Ron Burgundy: Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.
-----------------------------------------------
Bill Lawson: Bob Dylan once wrote, The times, they are a-changin. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: This is Ron Burgundy, proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things ever to happen to San Diago or even the world. But in order to properly retell it, I'm going to need some help from my co-anchor, Miss Veronica Corningstone.
Brick Tamland: [comes on camera] High Pressure systems...
Ron Burgundy: [shoves Brick] No, no, no, no, Brick.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [looking at his reflection in the mirror] Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone... come and see how good I look!
-----------------------------------------------
Ed Harken: Sweetheart, you and I have had this discussion a million times. There's never been a woman anchor.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Harken, this city needs its news. And you are going to deprive them of that because I have breasts? Exquisite breasts? Now, I am gonna goi on, and if you want to try and stop me, bring it on. Because I am good at three things: Fighting, screwing, and reading the news. I've already done one of those today, so what's the other one gonna be? Huh?
Ed Harken: [thinks about it] ... Screwing?
-----------------------------------------------
[from trailer]
Ron Burgundy: Hey Garth! How's the divorce?
Garth Holliday: Oh, not so good... I'll probably never see my kids again...
Ron Burgundy: FAN-tastic.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.
-----------------------------------------------
Spanish Anchor: Tonight's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [to an offscreen cameraman] I'm on right now?... I don't believe you.
[goes on smoking]
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: [after a rival news team insults Ron and the team] Heinie...
[laughs]
Brick Tamland: he said heinie!
Champ Kind: Brick, get back over here!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.
Frank Vitchard: Oh yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe!
-----------------------------------------------
Frank Vitchard: [after getting his right arm sliced off by a machete] I did *not* see that coming!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: That was some crazy party. I am hungover.
Champ Kind: I know. I woke up this morning and I shit a squirrel. I'm not kidding! It just came out of nowhere. I tried to flush it down the toilet and it crawled back up.
Brick Tamland: Sorry, Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [Ron Burgundy is handed a salad with cat poop] I will *not* eat that!
Tino: You will eat that cat poop!
Ron Burgundy: I will not eat cat poop!
Tino: You will eat that cat poop before you talk about my city that way again!
Ron Burgundy: Fine, if I eat the cat poop, will you bring me a steak?
[he eats the cat poop]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, God!
Tino: Somebody get him a steak quick!
Ron Burgundy: I'll eat the whole hunk of shit! I don't care!
[he begins crying]
-----------------------------------------------
Ed Harken: Apparently, my son was on something called "Acid," and was shooting a bow and arrow into a crowd.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [after smelling the Sex Panther cologne] It's a formidable scent. It stings the nostrils. Why, to be honest with you, Brian, it smells like pure gasoline.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica] It's all right, my sweet chinchilla.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I'm expressing my inner anguish through the majesty of song.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [after Brian introduces Ron to a girl, who then later points toward her breasts] Uh-oh! She pointed to her boobies!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [signing off] You stay classy, Planet Earth.
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
Ron Burgundy: [to dog] You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...
-----------------------------------------------
Frank Vitchard: I am gonna straight-up murder your ass!
-----------------------------------------------
Garth Holliday: [after smelling the Sex Panther cologne] It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh!
Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food! Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people
Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee: Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
-----------------------------------------------
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without ya. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you. I miss being near you! I miss your laugh! I miss - I miss your scent. I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.
Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while.
-----------------------------------------------
Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team!
Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you! I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic.
Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic.
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: Take me to Pleasure Town!
Ron Burgundy: Oh, we're going there!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?
Brian Fantana: Panda Watch! The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.
[to the Panda]
Brian Fantana: Hey, you're making me look stupid! Get out of here, Panda Jerk!
-----------------------------------------------
Champ Kind: What's it like, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: The intimate times? Outta sight, my man!
Brian Fantana: No, the other thing - love.
Brick Tamland: Yeah, what is that?
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
Brian Fantana: I don't know, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises! And then our children will form a family band! And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited!
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: [seriously] I'm telling you, this lady has really crawled into Ron's head.
Brick Tamland: [breaks out laughing] Good one!
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, Ron, there are literally thousands of men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 per cent sure that I love you!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [to waiter] I'll have three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper... and some cheese.
-----------------------------------------------
Public TV News Anchor: No commercials;
[shouts]
Public TV News Anchor: no mercy!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [playing flute solo] Hey, Aqualung!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry!
Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!
Veronica Corningstone: Well you... have bad hair!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica after the news has just gone off the air] You've got a dirty whorish mouth.
-----------------------------------------------
Announcer: [theme music begins] Channel 4 News, with five-time Emmy-award winning anchor Ron Burgundy. Champ Kind, Sports. Brick Tamland, Weather. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana. It's the Channel 4 News at 6:00!
Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [picking his teeth] Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.
-----------------------------------------------
Tino: We have a saying in my country - the coyote of the desert likes to eat the heart of the young and the blood drips down to his children for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: Because I have breasts... exquisite breasts?
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.
Champ Kind: Champ Kind.
Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.
Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.
Brick Tamland: Brian.
Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.
Brick Tamland: Veronica.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Ron Burgundy:
[when talking to Baxter]
Ron Burgundy: What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing! How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.
-----------------------------------------------
Garth Holliday: Why'd you say that Ron? Why? You're my hero. And you say something dirty. Like poop. Poop mouth. I hate you Ron Burgundy, I hate you!
[runs away]
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.
[Veronica turns and walks away]
Ron Burgundy: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Veronica Corningstone: Really.
Ron Burgundy: People know me.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.
Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
-----------------------------------------------
News Station Employee: It smells like Bigfoot's dick!
-----------------------------------------------
Wes Mantooth: Can't say one word, huh? Even the guy that can't think said something!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: 1001, 1002, 1003.
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Sweet Lincoln's mullet!
-----------------------------------------------
Frank Vitchard: [after having his other arm ripped off by a bear]
[shouts]
Frank Vitchard: This is getting to be ri-god-damn-diculous!
-----------------------------------------------
Angry Biker: What do you love?
Ron Burgundy: I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.
Angry Biker: Well, now, guess what, this is happening.
[grabs Baxter]
Ron Burgundy: Excuse me... excuse me... what are you doing?
[biker punts Baxter over bridge]
Angry Biker: That's how I roll!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I'm in a glass case of emotion!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
Ed Harken: Dammit! Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [Ron's dog barks at him] You know I don't speak Spanish.
-----------------------------------------------
Bartender: You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.
Ron Burgundy: What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom!
Champ Kind: It is anchor*man*, not anchor*lady*! And that is a scientific fact.
Brick Tamland: I don't know what we're yelling about!
Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?
Ron Burgundy: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Brick Tamland: [shouts] Loud noises!
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: [when Veronica is replacing Ron after he fails to turn up] You're not Ron...
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I'm Ron Burgundy, go fuck yourself, San Diego.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Don't you know I'd never say fuck! Fuck!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [after jumping into the grizzly bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch!
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!
Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?
Brick Tamland: I don't know.
-----------------------------------------------
Champ Kind: What's this?
Wes Mantooth: Well, well, well, Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team.
Ron Burgundy: Hello, Wes Mantooth, Hello, Evening News team.
Wes Mantooth: Nice clothes, gentlemen! I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale. Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys!
Brick Tamland: Hey! Where did you get those clothes? At the toilet store?
Wes Mantooth: What are you doing on our stations turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beat down.
Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
Ron Burgundy: Hey leave the mothers out of this. It's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset about finishing second in the ratings again.
Wes Mantooth: That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy. You know those rating systems are flawed. They don't take in account houses that have... uh... more than two television sets... and other things of that nature.
Ron Burgundy: I guess I have to take you at your word, No.2. You have a great day, fellas, we'll see you around the bend.
Wes Mantooth: Son of a bitch!
-----------------------------------------------
Wes Mantooth: I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale!
-----------------------------------------------
Champ Kind: What in the hell's diversity?
Ron Burgundy: [clears throat] Well, I could be wrong, but I believe uh, diversity is an old wooden ship that was used during the civil war era.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Veronica Corningstone: You weren't here! Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?
Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you did this to me! You read my news!
Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. ?Veronica had a very funny joke today.? I laughed at it later that night!
Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you!
Ron Burgundy: Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman!
Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: That was one crazy party. I am hung over.
Champ Kind: I woke up on the floor of some Japanesse family's living room, and they would NOT stop screaming!
Brick Tamland: I ate a big, red candle.
-----------------------------------------------
[first title card]
Title card: The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [singing] Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.
Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland: [singing] Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.
Ron Burgundy: You guys have it, I think.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
Champ Kind: I don't know Ron, That sounds kinda crazy.
Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
Brick Tamland: Yeah you got mental problems, man.
Brian Fantana: Yeah, he really does.
Brick Tamland: Man.
Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show...
[kisses his biceps]
Ron Burgundy: and see if she likes the goods.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [thinks Baxter the dog has just called him] Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind making prank phone calls to Veronica Corningstone] This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.
-----------------------------------------------
Wes Mantooth: I hate you, Ron Burgundy! I hate you!
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I am a professional and I would like to do my job.
Ron Burgundy: Big deal! I am very professional!
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I'm a MAN, I am an ANCHORMAN!
Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke!
Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Great Odin's raven!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone as the news has just gone off the air] You're a real hooker. I'm gonna slap you in public.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: [speaking of a musk] They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time it works every time.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: Time to musk up.
Ron Burgundy: What cologne are you going to go with? London Gentleman? Black Beard's Delight?
Brian Fantana: No, she gets the special cologne. Sex Panther, made by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries. It contains real panther bits, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent. It's a formidable scent.
Brian Fantana: [holding the bottle of Sex Panther] They've done studies you know- 60% of the time, it works every time.
[cheesy grin]
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make any sense.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.
-----------------------------------------------
Spanish Anchor: Policia!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [sporting an erection after talking to Veronica, addressing the office] Don't act like you're not impressed!
-----------------------------------------------
Announcer: You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.
Veronica Corningstone: Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: The human torch was denied a bank loan.
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: [after smelling the Sex Panther cologne] Ugh... it smells like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food!
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor...
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down in my diary - Veronica had a very funny joke today. I laughed about it later that night!
-----------------------------------------------
[first lines]
Bill Lawson: [narration] There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: ...and that can be very distracting. Okay, so when we get to the pet shop...
Brick Tamland: [while coughing] Cough. Look over here.
[spoken]
Brick Tamland: Excuse me, Veronica?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes? What is it, Brick?
Brick Tamland: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me?
Brick Tamland: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?
Veronica Corningstone: Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
Brick Tamland: That's it.
Veronica Corningstone: Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
Brick Tamland: No! Yes. He did.
Veronica Corningstone: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
Brick Tamland: Very well. Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?
Ian: No, Brick.
Brick Tamland: All right. Let's go.
[runs off, there is a sound of crashing off screen]
Brick Tamland: It's all right! I'm all right!
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: Well, is this a shortcut or what?
Brick Tamland: [laughing] Okay.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes!
Champ Kind: Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.
Brick Tamland: Fantastic!
Ron Burgundy: Well, is it a shortcut or not?
Brick Tamland: Okay!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Do you guys really want to know what love is?
Brick Tamland: More than anything in the world, Ron.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [driving in car, speaking to Baxter] Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.
[throws burrito out the window]
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [picking up phone] Ron Burgundy. Stay classy, San Diego. Hello, Baxter? Baxter, is that you? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the decency to say something!
[falls off chair screaming]
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.
-----------------------------------------------
[subtitled conversation between Ron's dog Baxter and an attacking bear]
Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.
Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.
Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.
Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.
Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.
Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [while both characters are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town] I freakin' love you!
Veronica Corningstone: I freakin' love you back!
-----------------------------------------------
Ed Harken: [on the phone] I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Son of a bee-sting!
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: Where'd you get those clothes from, the toilet store?
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego.
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: I pooped a hammer.
-----------------------------------------------
Wes Mantooth: I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale?
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: [riding a bear] Hey, Ron! I'm riding a furry tractor!
-----------------------------------------------
Bill Lawson: [narrating] Brick Tamland is married with 11 children and is one of the top political advisors to the Bush White House.
-----------------------------------------------
Spanish Anchor: Como estan, bitches?
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Brian Fantana: Damn it!
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: I love... carpet.
[pause]
Brick Tamland: I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp! I love lamp.
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.
-----------------------------------------------
Ed Harken: [on the phone with his son] Put down the gun, and let the marching band go! We'll play it off as a prank.
-----------------------------------------------
Angry Biker: I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass!
Ron Burgundy: If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary ready for ya.
-----------------------------------------------
Public TV News Anchor: Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials, no mercy!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Knights of Columbus, that hurt!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Look, it's the most glorious rainbow ever.
Veronica Corningstone: Do me on it!
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: [in bear pit] In case we die here today, there's something that you should know. That dirty trick with the Teleprompter. It wasn't...
Ron Burgundy: Sweet Eli Whitney's nose! It wasn't you, was it? It was Wes Mantooth. Oh, I should have known.
Veronica Corningstone: No, no. No, I did it.
Ron Burgundy: [screams] You bitch!
[bears wake up]
Ron Burgundy: You woke up the bears! Why did you do that?
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy! You have a massive erection!
-----------------------------------------------
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection!
Ron Burgundy: Oh, uh, it's the pleats...
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [doing mouth exercises] How now, brown cow.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: By the beard of Zeus!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: It's called Sex Panther by Odeon; it's illegal in nine countries. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.
-----------------------------------------------
Wes Mantooth: What are you doing on our stations turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beatdown.
Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
Ron Burgundy: Hey, leave the mothers out of this - all right?; it's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset over finishing second in the ratings again.
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at nine, instead of eight.
Ron Burgundy: Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.
-----------------------------------------------
Bill Lawson: Bob Dylan once wrote, The times, they are a-changin. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: This is Ron Burgundy, proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things ever to happen to San Diago or even the world. But in order to properly retell it, I'm going to need some help from my co-anchor, Miss Veronica Corningstone.
Brick Tamland: [comes on camera] High Pressure systems...
Ron Burgundy: [shoves Brick] No, no, no, no, Brick.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [looking at his reflection in the mirror] Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone... come and see how good I look!
-----------------------------------------------
Ed Harken: Sweetheart, you and I have had this discussion a million times. There's never been a woman anchor.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Harken, this city needs its news. And you are going to deprive them of that because I have breasts? Exquisite breasts? Now, I am gonna goi on, and if you want to try and stop me, bring it on. Because I am good at three things: Fighting, screwing, and reading the news. I've already done one of those today, so what's the other one gonna be? Huh?
Ed Harken: [thinks about it] ... Screwing?
-----------------------------------------------
[from trailer]
Ron Burgundy: Hey Garth! How's the divorce?
Garth Holliday: Oh, not so good... I'll probably never see my kids again...
Ron Burgundy: FAN-tastic.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.
-----------------------------------------------
Spanish Anchor: Tonight's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [to an offscreen cameraman] I'm on right now?... I don't believe you.
[goes on smoking]
-----------------------------------------------
Brick Tamland: [after a rival news team insults Ron and the team] Heinie...
[laughs]
Brick Tamland: he said heinie!
Champ Kind: Brick, get back over here!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.
Frank Vitchard: Oh yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe!
-----------------------------------------------
Frank Vitchard: [after getting his right arm sliced off by a machete] I did *not* see that coming!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.
-----------------------------------------------
Brian Fantana: That was some crazy party. I am hungover.
Champ Kind: I know. I woke up this morning and I shit a squirrel. I'm not kidding! It just came out of nowhere. I tried to flush it down the toilet and it crawled back up.
Brick Tamland: Sorry, Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [Ron Burgundy is handed a salad with cat poop] I will *not* eat that!
Tino: You will eat that cat poop!
Ron Burgundy: I will not eat cat poop!
Tino: You will eat that cat poop before you talk about my city that way again!
Ron Burgundy: Fine, if I eat the cat poop, will you bring me a steak?
[he eats the cat poop]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, God!
Tino: Somebody get him a steak quick!
Ron Burgundy: I'll eat the whole hunk of shit! I don't care!
[he begins crying]
-----------------------------------------------
Ed Harken: Apparently, my son was on something called "Acid," and was shooting a bow and arrow into a crowd.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [after smelling the Sex Panther cologne] It's a formidable scent. It stings the nostrils. Why, to be honest with you, Brian, it smells like pure gasoline.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica] It's all right, my sweet chinchilla.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: I'm expressing my inner anguish through the majesty of song.
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [after Brian introduces Ron to a girl, who then later points toward her breasts] Uh-oh! She pointed to her boobies!
-----------------------------------------------
Ron Burgundy: [signing off] You stay classy, Planet Earth.
Monday, September 19
Movie Quotes: Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Kid on Bus: What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?
Napoleon Dynamite: Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[repeated line]
Napoleon Dynamite: Gosh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: So, we're pretty much friends by now, right?
Pedro: Yes.
Napoleon Dynamite: So, you got my back and everything, right?
Pedro: What?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[last lines before post-credit sequence]
Napoleon Dynamite: You wanna play me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[last lines]
Napoleon Dynamite: Lucky.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: I spent like three hours doing shading the upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
Trisha: Yeah... it's really... neat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Uncle Rico: She didn't tell me anything.
Napoleon Dynamite: Too bad, she said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.
Uncle Rico: I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: Get off my property!
Uncle Rico: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.
Napoleon Dynamite: Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you.
Uncle Rico: Well then do it! Go on!
Napoleon Dynamite: Maybe I will, GOSH!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.
Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: So what do you think?
Kip: It's pretty cool, I guess.
Uncle Rico: Ohhhh, man I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state.
Napoleon Dynamite: This is pretty much the worst video ever made.
Kip: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.
Uncle Rico: You know what, Napoleon? You can leave.
Napoleon Dynamite: You guys are retarded!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rex: At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here?
[points to Kip]
Rex: Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
Napoleon Dynamite: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!
Don: Did you shoot any?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Don: What kind of gun did you use?
Napoleon Dynamite: A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deb: And here we have some boondoggle key chains. A must-have for this season's fashion.
Napoleon Dynamite: I already made like infinity of those at scout camp.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bo staff.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it cause I can't fit my numchucks in there anymore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to Deb's milk] I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Do the chickens have large talons?
Farmer: Do they have what?
Napoleon Dynamite: Large talons.
Farmer: I don't understand a word you just said.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trisha: I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing you did of me.
[Through gritted teeth]
Trisha: It's hanging in my *bedroom*.
Napoleon Dynamite: Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rex: I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwan Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: How long did it take you to grow that moustache?
Pedro: A couple of days.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro, how do you feel about that one?
Pedro: It looks nice.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, it looks pretty sweet. It looks awesome. That suit, it's... it's incredible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend?
Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandma: How was school?
Napoleon Dynamite: The worst day of my life, what do you think?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: What kind of bike do you have?
Pedro: It's a sledgehammer.
Napoleon Dynamite: Dang! You got shocks, pegs... lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
Napoleon Dynamite: [Cut to Pedro jumping] You got like three feet of air that time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deb: What are you drawing?
Napoleon Dynamite: A liger.
Deb: What's a liger?
Napoleon Dynamite: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!... Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Tina, come get some ham.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deb: Are they still letting you run for president?
Pedro: Yes. I don't understand... they say you're not allowed to have pinatas that look like real people, but in Mexico, we do it all the time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro offers you his protection.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: I caught you a delicious bass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pedro: If I win, you can be my secretary or something.
Napoleon Dynamite: Sweet!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deb: I'm trying to earn money for college.
Kip: [from the background] Your mom goes to college.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: [talking about the breast enhancers] Why don't you sell some to your girlfriend. Might as well do somethin' while you're doing nothin'.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pedro: Vote for me, and all your wildest dreams will come true.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kip: LaFawnduh is *the* best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm 100% positive she's my soul mate. Don't worry Napoleon, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [drinks glass of milk] The defect in that one is bleach.
FFA Judge No. 1: That's right.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yessssssssss.
Napoleon Dynamite: [drinks second glass of milk] This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.
FFA Judge No. 2: Correct.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yessssssssss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Deb is making a glamour shot of Uncle Rico]
Deb: Okay, turn you head on more of a slant...
[all three turn their heads in a slant]
Deb: Now, make a fist. Slowly ease it up underneath your chin.
[All three slowly ease up fists under their chins]
Deb: This is looking really good.
Kip: You can say that again.
[Uncle Rico acknowledges]
Deb: Kay, hold still right there. Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses.
[Uncle Rico pictures it and give a gleaming look at the camera]
Deb: [takes the picture] That was one that I think is gonna come out really nice.
Uncle Rico: Ah, how you did it... wow... well I felt really relaxed. Thanks Deb.
[Uncle Rico puts his fist down, then swats a fly]
Uncle Rico: You're up Kip.
Kip: Is there some kind of vest that I can wear?
[makes gesture of putting on a vest]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite, Deb: [Napoleon and Deb are dancing]
Napoleon Dynamite: I like your sleeves. They're real big.
Deb: Thank you. I made them myself.
Napoleon Dynamite: So you and Pedro getting really serious now?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to the dance] Who are you gonna ask?
Pedro: That girl over there.
Napoleon Dynamite: Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?
Pedro: Build her a cake or something.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Randy: Napoleon, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon Dynamite: No, go find your own.
Randy: Come on, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon Dynamite: No, I'm freakin' starving! I didn't get to eat anything today.
Randy: [kicks the tots]
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Gross! Freakin' idiot!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kip: I'm just really trying to raise a few bucks now so I can bring her out for a few days.
Uncle Rico: Yeah, well what does she look like?
Kip: She's uh... she's got sandy blonde hair. She's uh... pretty good looking face, but I'm just getting really... just kinda TO'd because... I mean she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Hey can I use your guys's phone for a sec?
Secretary No. 1: Is there anything wrong?
Napoleon Dynamite: I don't feel very good.
[takes telephone and dials number]
Kip: [making nachos on the other line] Hi.
Napoleon Dynamite: Is grandma there?
Kip: No, she's getting her hair done.
Napoleon Dynamite: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Kip: What do you need?
Napoleon Dynamite: Can you just go get her for me?
Kip: I'm really busy right now.
Napoleon Dynamite: Just tell her to come get me.
Kip: Why?
Napoleon Dynamite: Cause I don't feel good!
Kip: Well, have you talked to the school nurse?
Napoleon Dynamite: No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?
Kip: No.
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my chapstick?
Kip: No, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: But my lips hurt real bad!
Kip: Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has like five sticks in her drawer.
Napoleon Dynamite: I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!
Kip: See ya.
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Idiot!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, what is there to eat?
Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deb: It's Deb. And I'm calling to let you know that I think you're a shallow friend.
Napoleon Dynamite: What the heck are you even talking about?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.
Pedro: Why?
Napoleon Dynamite: Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT.
Pedro: Do you have anything to give to her?
Napoleon Dynamite: No. Not unless she likes fish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pedro: Who was that?
Napoleon Dynamite: Trisha.
Pedro: Who's she?
Napoleon Dynamite: My woman I'm taking to the dance.
Pedro: Did you draw her a picture?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes I did.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: My old girlfriend from Oklahoma was gonna fly out for the dance but she couldn't cause she's doing some modeling right now.
Pedro: Is she hot?
Napoleon Dynamite: See for yourself.
[hands him Deb's glamor shot sample]
Pedro: Wow.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamor shots for her birthday one year.
Pedro: I like her bangs.
Napoleon Dynamite: Me too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don: Vote for Summer.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, right, I'm not voting for her.
Don: Then who you gonna vote for?
Napoleon Dynamite: I'm voting for Pedro Sanchez, who do you think?
[Don scoffs and walks away]
Napoleon Dynamite: Hey, Don. Can I have one of those buttons?
[Don hands Napoleon a Vote 4 Summer button]
Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon tosses it across the hall, stares at Don, and runs away]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [speaking to Pedro and Deb] Are you guys having a killer time?
Deb: Yes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principal Svadean: Look, Pedro, I don't know how they do things down in Juarez, but here in Idaho we have a little something called pride. Understand? Smashing in the face of a pinata that resembles Summer Wheatley is a disgrace to you, me, and the entire Gem State.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kip is singing to Lafawnduh after they are pronounced husband and wife]
Kip: Why do you love me? Why do you need me? Always and forever... We met in a chatroom, now our love can fully bloom... Sure the world wide web is great, but you, you make my salivate... I love technology, but not as much as you, you see... But I STILL love technology... Always and forever. Our love is like a flock of doves, flying up to heaven above... always and forever, always and forever... Why do you need me? Why do you love me? Always and forever...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: What are you doing here, Uncle Rico?
Uncle Rico: Grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: Kip, I reckon... you know a lot about... cyberspace? You ever come across anything... like time travel?
Kip: Easy, I've already looked into it for myself.
Uncle Rico: Right on... right on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Napoleon Dynamite straps himself into the time machine]
Kip: So are you ready?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, hold on... I forgot to put in the crystals.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: Just a little east of the cemetery is a good little area, but don't go down here cause they don't have any money.
Kip: So how long are we talking about working?
Uncle Rico: What are you already losing your steam?
Kip: No, I just... I have a chat room meeting at 4. I gotta be back here by then.
Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier, that's all. Or else work afterwards. How long is the chat room?
Kip: Jeez, sometimes up to 3-4 hours maybe... Maybe not.
Uncle Rico: You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like for minutes on the phone?
Kip: Yeah, grandma's still paying per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes cause I'm on there so long.
Uncle Rico: I bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwing you out the window.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kip: So, how long are we takin' about workin'?
Uncle Rico: What? Are you… you're already losing your steam?
Kip: No. I just… I have a chat room meeting at 4:00. I gotta be back here by then.
Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier. That's all.
Kip: All right.
Uncle Rico: Or else work afterwards. How long's the chat room?
Kip: Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe... maybe not. I don't know.
Uncle Rico: You.. you… you pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like, for minutes on the phone?
Kip: Yeah. Grandma's still payin' per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes 'cause I'm on there so long.
Uncle Rico: I'll bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwin' you out the window.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rex: Bow to your sensei
[kip bows slightly]
Rex: .
[shouts]
Rex: Bow to your sensei!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Summer: And if you vote for me, it will be summer all year round.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kip: So when's grandma coming back?
Uncle Rico: I don't know. Not sure.
Napoleon Dynamite: You don't have to stay here with us, we're not babies.
Uncle Rico: Ha ha! Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.
Napoleon Dynamite: Kip is like 32 years old.
Kip: I don't mind if you stay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Your current event, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kip: [typing a poem on his computer] Your sandy hair floats in the air... To me it's like a lullaby... I'm just flying by... Oh so high... like a kite... tied to a skate...
[begins singing]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack. What, do you think money grows on trees in this family? Take it back! And get some Pampers for you and your brother while you're at it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Napoleon rides up to Kip and LaFawnduh's wedding on a horse]
Napoleon Dynamite: Sorry I'm late. I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [to Pedro] Just follow your heart. That's what I do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [while hitch-hiking] Are you guys like Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hook-ups?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: So are you guys like Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hookups?
Cholo No. 1: Simon!
[Mexican slang for "Hell, yeah!"]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Who are you?
LaFawnduh: I'm LaFawnduh.
Napoleon Dynamite: What are you doing here?
LaFawnduh: I'm waiting for Kip.
Napoleon Dynamite: Kip?
LaFawnduh: Why are you so sweaty?
Napoleon Dynamite: I've been practicing.
LaFawnduh: Mmmm. Practicing what?
Napoleon Dynamite: Some dance moves.
LaFawnduh: You like dancing?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
D-Qwon: Welcome to D-Qwon's dance grooves, are you ready to get your groove on?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes.
D-Qwon: All right then, let's get started!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: We also need someway to make us look official, like we got all the answers.
Kip: How bout some gold bracelets?
Uncle Rico: We need like some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and what not. I mean, we gotta look legit man.
Kip: That's true, that's true.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up!
Uncle Rico: I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is makin' 120 bucks.
Napoleon Dynamite: I could make that much money in five seconds!
Kip: Geez. Yeah right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today.
Uncle Rico: Napoleon, it's looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Tina.
Napoleon Dynamite: Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: What the heck are you guys doing? Trying to ruin my life, make me look like a friggin' idiot?
Kip: I'm out making some sweet moola with Uncle Rico.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kip: [Napoleon has Kip in a sleeper-hold] Ow! Ah geez!
Napoleon Dynamite: What the crap was Uncle Rico doin' at my girlfriend's house?
Kip: Napoleon, let go of me! I think you're bruisin' my neck meat!
Napoleon Dynamite: Fine!
[Napoleon releases Kip]
Napoleon Dynamite: What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a freakin' idiot?
Kip: I'm out makin' some sweet moola with Uncle Rico. Geez, I think you ripped my mole off.
Napoleon Dynamite: I did?
Kip: Yeah, is it bleeding?
Napoleon Dynamite: A little bit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon walks up to Trisha's house to ask her out] Is Trisha here?
Ilene: Oh, I'm sorry, she's not. She's at a friend's house, right now.
Uncle Rico: [from inside Trisha's house, hard at work] Well, hey, Napoleon... Napoleon's m'nephew.
Ilene: Oh, that's nice.
Napoleon Dynamite: Could you just give this to her for me?
[hands Ilene a drawing of Trisha]
Ilene: I certainly could.
Napoleon Dynamite: Thanks.
[Napoleon leaves]
Ilene: Bye-bye.
[Ilene returns to Uncle Rico on the sofa]
Uncle Rico: Poor kid. I've been takin' care of him while his grandma's in the hospital. He still wets the bed and everything.
Ilene: You're kidding.
Uncle Rico: Yeah, he's a tender little guy. He still gets beat up and what-not.
Uncle Rico: Anyway uh... so we still feelin' pretty good about this, uh, 32-piece set, here?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon sits down with Pedro at lunch] Where have you been?
Pedro: I was *seek*.
Napoleon Dynamite: Has Summer said anything to you yet?
Pedro: No, not yet.
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, she said no.
Pedro: She did?
[Pedro thinks a second]
Pedro: Well, what about that other girl?
Napoleon Dynamite: What other girl?
Pedro: The one that left all that crap on your porch.
Napoleon Dynamite: You mean Deb?
Pedro: Yes her.
Napoleon Dynamite: What about her?
Pedro: Well, I asked her out too.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lyle: Over there in that pigpen, I found a couple of Shoshone arrowheads.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
Kip: Are you serious?
Uncle Rico: I'm dead serious.
Napoleon Dynamite: Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[repeated line]
Napoleon Dynamite: Gosh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: So, we're pretty much friends by now, right?
Pedro: Yes.
Napoleon Dynamite: So, you got my back and everything, right?
Pedro: What?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[last lines before post-credit sequence]
Napoleon Dynamite: You wanna play me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[last lines]
Napoleon Dynamite: Lucky.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: I spent like three hours doing shading the upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
Trisha: Yeah... it's really... neat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Uncle Rico: She didn't tell me anything.
Napoleon Dynamite: Too bad, she said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.
Uncle Rico: I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: Get off my property!
Uncle Rico: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.
Napoleon Dynamite: Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you.
Uncle Rico: Well then do it! Go on!
Napoleon Dynamite: Maybe I will, GOSH!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.
Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: So what do you think?
Kip: It's pretty cool, I guess.
Uncle Rico: Ohhhh, man I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state.
Napoleon Dynamite: This is pretty much the worst video ever made.
Kip: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.
Uncle Rico: You know what, Napoleon? You can leave.
Napoleon Dynamite: You guys are retarded!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rex: At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here?
[points to Kip]
Rex: Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
Napoleon Dynamite: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!
Don: Did you shoot any?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Don: What kind of gun did you use?
Napoleon Dynamite: A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deb: And here we have some boondoggle key chains. A must-have for this season's fashion.
Napoleon Dynamite: I already made like infinity of those at scout camp.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bo staff.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it cause I can't fit my numchucks in there anymore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to Deb's milk] I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Do the chickens have large talons?
Farmer: Do they have what?
Napoleon Dynamite: Large talons.
Farmer: I don't understand a word you just said.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trisha: I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing you did of me.
[Through gritted teeth]
Trisha: It's hanging in my *bedroom*.
Napoleon Dynamite: Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rex: I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwan Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: How long did it take you to grow that moustache?
Pedro: A couple of days.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro, how do you feel about that one?
Pedro: It looks nice.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, it looks pretty sweet. It looks awesome. That suit, it's... it's incredible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend?
Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandma: How was school?
Napoleon Dynamite: The worst day of my life, what do you think?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: What kind of bike do you have?
Pedro: It's a sledgehammer.
Napoleon Dynamite: Dang! You got shocks, pegs... lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
Napoleon Dynamite: [Cut to Pedro jumping] You got like three feet of air that time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deb: What are you drawing?
Napoleon Dynamite: A liger.
Deb: What's a liger?
Napoleon Dynamite: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!... Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Tina, come get some ham.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deb: Are they still letting you run for president?
Pedro: Yes. I don't understand... they say you're not allowed to have pinatas that look like real people, but in Mexico, we do it all the time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro offers you his protection.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: I caught you a delicious bass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pedro: If I win, you can be my secretary or something.
Napoleon Dynamite: Sweet!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deb: I'm trying to earn money for college.
Kip: [from the background] Your mom goes to college.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: [talking about the breast enhancers] Why don't you sell some to your girlfriend. Might as well do somethin' while you're doing nothin'.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pedro: Vote for me, and all your wildest dreams will come true.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kip: LaFawnduh is *the* best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm 100% positive she's my soul mate. Don't worry Napoleon, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [drinks glass of milk] The defect in that one is bleach.
FFA Judge No. 1: That's right.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yessssssssss.
Napoleon Dynamite: [drinks second glass of milk] This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.
FFA Judge No. 2: Correct.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yessssssssss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Deb is making a glamour shot of Uncle Rico]
Deb: Okay, turn you head on more of a slant...
[all three turn their heads in a slant]
Deb: Now, make a fist. Slowly ease it up underneath your chin.
[All three slowly ease up fists under their chins]
Deb: This is looking really good.
Kip: You can say that again.
[Uncle Rico acknowledges]
Deb: Kay, hold still right there. Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses.
[Uncle Rico pictures it and give a gleaming look at the camera]
Deb: [takes the picture] That was one that I think is gonna come out really nice.
Uncle Rico: Ah, how you did it... wow... well I felt really relaxed. Thanks Deb.
[Uncle Rico puts his fist down, then swats a fly]
Uncle Rico: You're up Kip.
Kip: Is there some kind of vest that I can wear?
[makes gesture of putting on a vest]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite, Deb: [Napoleon and Deb are dancing]
Napoleon Dynamite: I like your sleeves. They're real big.
Deb: Thank you. I made them myself.
Napoleon Dynamite: So you and Pedro getting really serious now?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to the dance] Who are you gonna ask?
Pedro: That girl over there.
Napoleon Dynamite: Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?
Pedro: Build her a cake or something.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Randy: Napoleon, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon Dynamite: No, go find your own.
Randy: Come on, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon Dynamite: No, I'm freakin' starving! I didn't get to eat anything today.
Randy: [kicks the tots]
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Gross! Freakin' idiot!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kip: I'm just really trying to raise a few bucks now so I can bring her out for a few days.
Uncle Rico: Yeah, well what does she look like?
Kip: She's uh... she's got sandy blonde hair. She's uh... pretty good looking face, but I'm just getting really... just kinda TO'd because... I mean she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Hey can I use your guys's phone for a sec?
Secretary No. 1: Is there anything wrong?
Napoleon Dynamite: I don't feel very good.
[takes telephone and dials number]
Kip: [making nachos on the other line] Hi.
Napoleon Dynamite: Is grandma there?
Kip: No, she's getting her hair done.
Napoleon Dynamite: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Kip: What do you need?
Napoleon Dynamite: Can you just go get her for me?
Kip: I'm really busy right now.
Napoleon Dynamite: Just tell her to come get me.
Kip: Why?
Napoleon Dynamite: Cause I don't feel good!
Kip: Well, have you talked to the school nurse?
Napoleon Dynamite: No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?
Kip: No.
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my chapstick?
Kip: No, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: But my lips hurt real bad!
Kip: Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has like five sticks in her drawer.
Napoleon Dynamite: I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!
Kip: See ya.
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Idiot!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, what is there to eat?
Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deb: It's Deb. And I'm calling to let you know that I think you're a shallow friend.
Napoleon Dynamite: What the heck are you even talking about?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.
Pedro: Why?
Napoleon Dynamite: Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT.
Pedro: Do you have anything to give to her?
Napoleon Dynamite: No. Not unless she likes fish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pedro: Who was that?
Napoleon Dynamite: Trisha.
Pedro: Who's she?
Napoleon Dynamite: My woman I'm taking to the dance.
Pedro: Did you draw her a picture?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes I did.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: My old girlfriend from Oklahoma was gonna fly out for the dance but she couldn't cause she's doing some modeling right now.
Pedro: Is she hot?
Napoleon Dynamite: See for yourself.
[hands him Deb's glamor shot sample]
Pedro: Wow.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamor shots for her birthday one year.
Pedro: I like her bangs.
Napoleon Dynamite: Me too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don: Vote for Summer.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, right, I'm not voting for her.
Don: Then who you gonna vote for?
Napoleon Dynamite: I'm voting for Pedro Sanchez, who do you think?
[Don scoffs and walks away]
Napoleon Dynamite: Hey, Don. Can I have one of those buttons?
[Don hands Napoleon a Vote 4 Summer button]
Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon tosses it across the hall, stares at Don, and runs away]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [speaking to Pedro and Deb] Are you guys having a killer time?
Deb: Yes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principal Svadean: Look, Pedro, I don't know how they do things down in Juarez, but here in Idaho we have a little something called pride. Understand? Smashing in the face of a pinata that resembles Summer Wheatley is a disgrace to you, me, and the entire Gem State.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Kip is singing to Lafawnduh after they are pronounced husband and wife]
Kip: Why do you love me? Why do you need me? Always and forever... We met in a chatroom, now our love can fully bloom... Sure the world wide web is great, but you, you make my salivate... I love technology, but not as much as you, you see... But I STILL love technology... Always and forever. Our love is like a flock of doves, flying up to heaven above... always and forever, always and forever... Why do you need me? Why do you love me? Always and forever...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: What are you doing here, Uncle Rico?
Uncle Rico: Grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: Kip, I reckon... you know a lot about... cyberspace? You ever come across anything... like time travel?
Kip: Easy, I've already looked into it for myself.
Uncle Rico: Right on... right on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Napoleon Dynamite straps himself into the time machine]
Kip: So are you ready?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, hold on... I forgot to put in the crystals.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: Just a little east of the cemetery is a good little area, but don't go down here cause they don't have any money.
Kip: So how long are we talking about working?
Uncle Rico: What are you already losing your steam?
Kip: No, I just... I have a chat room meeting at 4. I gotta be back here by then.
Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier, that's all. Or else work afterwards. How long is the chat room?
Kip: Jeez, sometimes up to 3-4 hours maybe... Maybe not.
Uncle Rico: You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like for minutes on the phone?
Kip: Yeah, grandma's still paying per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes cause I'm on there so long.
Uncle Rico: I bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwing you out the window.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kip: So, how long are we takin' about workin'?
Uncle Rico: What? Are you… you're already losing your steam?
Kip: No. I just… I have a chat room meeting at 4:00. I gotta be back here by then.
Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier. That's all.
Kip: All right.
Uncle Rico: Or else work afterwards. How long's the chat room?
Kip: Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe... maybe not. I don't know.
Uncle Rico: You.. you… you pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like, for minutes on the phone?
Kip: Yeah. Grandma's still payin' per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes 'cause I'm on there so long.
Uncle Rico: I'll bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwin' you out the window.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rex: Bow to your sensei
[kip bows slightly]
Rex: .
[shouts]
Rex: Bow to your sensei!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Summer: And if you vote for me, it will be summer all year round.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kip: So when's grandma coming back?
Uncle Rico: I don't know. Not sure.
Napoleon Dynamite: You don't have to stay here with us, we're not babies.
Uncle Rico: Ha ha! Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.
Napoleon Dynamite: Kip is like 32 years old.
Kip: I don't mind if you stay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Your current event, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kip: [typing a poem on his computer] Your sandy hair floats in the air... To me it's like a lullaby... I'm just flying by... Oh so high... like a kite... tied to a skate...
[begins singing]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack. What, do you think money grows on trees in this family? Take it back! And get some Pampers for you and your brother while you're at it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Napoleon rides up to Kip and LaFawnduh's wedding on a horse]
Napoleon Dynamite: Sorry I'm late. I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [to Pedro] Just follow your heart. That's what I do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [while hitch-hiking] Are you guys like Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hook-ups?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: So are you guys like Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hookups?
Cholo No. 1: Simon!
[Mexican slang for "Hell, yeah!"]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: Who are you?
LaFawnduh: I'm LaFawnduh.
Napoleon Dynamite: What are you doing here?
LaFawnduh: I'm waiting for Kip.
Napoleon Dynamite: Kip?
LaFawnduh: Why are you so sweaty?
Napoleon Dynamite: I've been practicing.
LaFawnduh: Mmmm. Practicing what?
Napoleon Dynamite: Some dance moves.
LaFawnduh: You like dancing?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
D-Qwon: Welcome to D-Qwon's dance grooves, are you ready to get your groove on?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes.
D-Qwon: All right then, let's get started!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: We also need someway to make us look official, like we got all the answers.
Kip: How bout some gold bracelets?
Uncle Rico: We need like some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and what not. I mean, we gotta look legit man.
Kip: That's true, that's true.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up!
Uncle Rico: I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is makin' 120 bucks.
Napoleon Dynamite: I could make that much money in five seconds!
Kip: Geez. Yeah right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today.
Uncle Rico: Napoleon, it's looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Tina.
Napoleon Dynamite: Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: What the heck are you guys doing? Trying to ruin my life, make me look like a friggin' idiot?
Kip: I'm out making some sweet moola with Uncle Rico.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kip: [Napoleon has Kip in a sleeper-hold] Ow! Ah geez!
Napoleon Dynamite: What the crap was Uncle Rico doin' at my girlfriend's house?
Kip: Napoleon, let go of me! I think you're bruisin' my neck meat!
Napoleon Dynamite: Fine!
[Napoleon releases Kip]
Napoleon Dynamite: What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a freakin' idiot?
Kip: I'm out makin' some sweet moola with Uncle Rico. Geez, I think you ripped my mole off.
Napoleon Dynamite: I did?
Kip: Yeah, is it bleeding?
Napoleon Dynamite: A little bit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon walks up to Trisha's house to ask her out] Is Trisha here?
Ilene: Oh, I'm sorry, she's not. She's at a friend's house, right now.
Uncle Rico: [from inside Trisha's house, hard at work] Well, hey, Napoleon... Napoleon's m'nephew.
Ilene: Oh, that's nice.
Napoleon Dynamite: Could you just give this to her for me?
[hands Ilene a drawing of Trisha]
Ilene: I certainly could.
Napoleon Dynamite: Thanks.
[Napoleon leaves]
Ilene: Bye-bye.
[Ilene returns to Uncle Rico on the sofa]
Uncle Rico: Poor kid. I've been takin' care of him while his grandma's in the hospital. He still wets the bed and everything.
Ilene: You're kidding.
Uncle Rico: Yeah, he's a tender little guy. He still gets beat up and what-not.
Uncle Rico: Anyway uh... so we still feelin' pretty good about this, uh, 32-piece set, here?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon sits down with Pedro at lunch] Where have you been?
Pedro: I was *seek*.
Napoleon Dynamite: Has Summer said anything to you yet?
Pedro: No, not yet.
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, she said no.
Pedro: She did?
[Pedro thinks a second]
Pedro: Well, what about that other girl?
Napoleon Dynamite: What other girl?
Pedro: The one that left all that crap on your porch.
Napoleon Dynamite: You mean Deb?
Pedro: Yes her.
Napoleon Dynamite: What about her?
Pedro: Well, I asked her out too.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lyle: Over there in that pigpen, I found a couple of Shoshone arrowheads.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Rico: Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
Kip: Are you serious?
Uncle Rico: I'm dead serious.
Sunday, September 18
Movie Quotes: Wedding Crashers (2005)
Jeremy Grey: Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Claire! All I wanted is to have a minute alone with you to explain everything. But I've never gotten that chance. So here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. Business was good. I met a lot of girls. It was childish and irresponsible.
Claire Cleary: And pathetic.
John Beckwith: Yeah. That's probably the best word. But it also led me to you so it's impossible for me to completely regret it. I've learned something. I crashed a funeral today. It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged along
[to Jeremy]
John Beckwith: I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. Although he may actually be a genius because it really does work, he's cleaning up.
Claire Cleary: John!
John Beckwith: That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realised we're all going to lose the people we love. That's how it is, but not me. Not now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: We had a moment at the dinner table didn't we?
Jeremy Grey: No! No! We did not have a moment at the dinner table, Todd!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: John, can you come in here a second, it's important.
John Beckwith: Hi, what's up?
Jeremy Grey: We got three big weeks ahead of us. It's wedding season!
John Beckwith: You sly dog! Now how many of them are cash bars?
Jeremy Grey: I like where your head's at and actually two of them are but I have a solution. Purple hearts. We won't have to buy a drink all night.
John Beckwith: Great, I'll get my suit. Now who are we this time?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaz Reingold: What is she doing back there? I never know what she's doing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Your brother. He's down again.
John Beckwith: What is his deal?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Are you OK?
John Beckwith: Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.
Claire Cleary: But starboard's *this* way.
John Beckwith: That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing down under with the kiwis so everything's backwards and the toilets when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Anyone ever feel like they're just disappearing?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Jewish Woman: Who's that?
Old Jewish Man: I think that's Sid's kid Lenny, the diabetic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Italian Woman: Who's that?
Old Italian Man: That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher, the Banker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Irish Woman: Who's he?
Old Chinese Man: That's Mai Lin's adopted son Manni, the veterinarian.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best Man: After my ninth stint in rehab, Craig - ah Craig, Craig was the only one who still believed in me. Been sober for eight months now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Craig: I Craig take you Christina to be my wife, my best friend and my first mate. Through clear skies and squalls...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christina Cleary: I Christina take you Craig to be my best friend and my captain.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father O'Neil: You may kiss the first mate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: So how's my protégé?
John Beckwith: Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married!
Chazz Reinhold: What? What an idiot! Good! Good! More for you and me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: He's the best man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.
Jeremy Grey: No problem.
John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.
Jeremy Grey: I forgive you.
John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't know what that means.
Jeremy Grey: John, it's all right. Do you mind if I get married now?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Buddy, for your own good you gotta let this go.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this bullshit? Rule #35: never commit to a relative unless you're sure they have a pulse.
John Beckwith: Rule #15: give me an up-to-date family tree, you just made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I think we've got a crier.
Jeremy Grey: No way.
John Beckwith: 20 bucks.
Jeremy Grey: Make it 40.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [watching Gloria coming up the aisle] Hello, Red! Dibs.
John Beckwith: [watching Claire coming up the aisle] She's all yours. I ain't gonna fight you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father O'Neil: And now for our second reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.
John Beckwith: 20 bucks First Corinthians.
Jeremy Grey: Double or nothing Colossians 3:12.
Gloria Cleary: And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: Sack, I've always liked you so I've put up with your stories about scallops and otters because I thought you made my daughter happy. But this is her decision. I stand by my daughter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: How long have you and the secretary been married?
Kathleen Cleary: 30 years next April.
John Beckwith: That's wonderful.
Kathleen Cleary: Yeah. And we were faithful for two of them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Secretary Cleary, I'm John Ryan.
Secretary Cleary: Hello John.
John Beckwith: I just wanted to say how much I appreciated your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
Secretary Cleary: You've read my position paper?
John Beckwith: I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
Secretary Cleary: A sailor? Sit down. You didn't happen to catch my speech on Paraguayan debt did you?
John Beckwith: Are you serious? I loved it! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capital to debt was genius. Now if we could only get congress not to be so short sighted.
Secretary Cleary: Yes! Well put. Short sighted. John, how about we go out on the deck and light up a couple of cigars?
John Beckwith: Stogies?
Secretary Cleary: Yeah.
John Beckwith: Why not?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.
Jeremy Grey: No problem.
John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.
Jeremy Grey: It's ok.
John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't know what that means.
Jeremy Grey: John, it's alright. Do you mind if I get married now?
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Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I think I'm ready to take this relationship, our relationship to the next level.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level.
Jeremy Grey: Really?
Gloria Cleary: Yeah. Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?
Jeremy Grey: I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement.
Gloria Cleary: Oh Jeremy, I do!
Jeremy Grey: I love you.
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Don't you think it's a little soon? Marriage?
Secretary Cleary: You know Gloria, she's always been impetuous.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: That brings us to the question of frequent flyer miles.
Mrs. Kroeger: I want them.
Mr. Kroeger: I earned those miles.
Mrs. Kroeger: Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.
Mr. Kroeger: She's not afraid to express herself sexually if that's what you mean.
Mrs. Kroeger: Her name is Chastity. She is white trash, same as you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman: I saw you at the wedding.
John Beckwith: Yeah?
Woman: You were crying.
John Beckwith: You weren't supposed to see that, now you probably think I'm a big pussy.
Woman: No, it was really sweet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Are you going to give a toast?
Claire Cleary: Yes.
John Beckwith: Nervous?
Claire Cleary: A little bit, but I think this is good.
John Beckwith: You keep it in your cleavage.
Claire Cleary: Nowhere else to put it.
John Beckwith: "I never thought my sister would meet someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did until I met Craig?"
Claire Cleary: Yes, it's funny. It's funny because it's true.
John Beckwith: I know, but the funny because it's true bit only works if the truth is a very small thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". Honestly, I think you're better off going for something from the heart.
Claire Cleary: I think people are going to love this.
John Beckwith: I think you're going to hear crickets.
Claire Cleary: No.
John Beckwith: Sounds of silence.
Claire Cleary: Uh uh.
John Beckwith: Ok, meet me at the back of the room, I'll be the guy waiting to say I told you so.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaz Reingold: [almost whispering] What the *fuck* do you want?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I always knew I was never going to be a professional bull fighter, but that's not why I did it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I don't mean to pry.
Claire Cleary: Yes, you did.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria Cleary: You're really talented.
Jeremy Grey: I can go on all day. Last week I made, to scale, a balloon model of wrigley field. I don't have anywhere to put it.
Gloria Cleary: I'll have a sports car.
Jeremy Grey: How about a dance?
Gloria Cleary: That's what I really wanted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vivian: Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50%?
John Beckwith: I hope just 50 but who knows.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Oh, so you're hiding I see.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: Once Sack and Claire tie the knot, two of the great American families will finally be united.
John Beckwith: And then you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria Cleary: I've been thinking about what you said and I think the problem is that I'm not being adventurous enough for you.
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I think that's the complete opposite of what I was saying.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: Ma, can we get some meatloaf!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I have a better idea. Throw an interception to Claire, get her feeling good about herself. You think you can do that?
Jeremy Grey: John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Oh, that's great? Why don't you feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I am drowning.
John Beckwith: What?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean what? What a great friend. John, you have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. There's no overtime.
John Beckwith: No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, you drag me to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.
Jeremy Grey: Completely different situation. She was a very family-oriented girl.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Jeremy Grey: That was my first Asian!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Share that with the Dalai Lama, jack ass!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hindu Woman: [while dancing at a wedding reception] French Foreign Legion?
John Beckwith: Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
Bridesmaid: Mount Everest?
Jeremy Grey: I don't want to talk about it because we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith: We lost a lot of good men out there.
Bridesmaid: Playing with the Yankees?
John Beckwith: Yes, we lost a lot of good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Hey, listen. What angle are you going to play here?
Jeremy Grey: I am going to go with the balloon animal display. For the kids. And then when she comes near, guess who is the broken man, haunted past? How about you?
John Beckwith: I am going to go dance with the little flower girl. Oh, and I might be a charter member of Oprah's book club.
Jeremy Grey: It's all deadly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaz Reingold: [almost whispering] Who the *fuck* are you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: What is true love?
John Beckwith: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
Claire Cleary: It's a little cheesy but I like it.
John Beckwith: I read it on a bumper sticker!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: You better lock it up.
Jeremy Grey: No, you lock it up!
John Beckwith: You lock it up!
Jeremy Grey: You lock it up!
John Beckwith: You lock it up!
Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kathleen Cleary: Oh, you been playing "Cat and Mouse" with me ever since you came.
John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary -
Kathleen Cleary: Call me Kat.
John Beckwith: Okay, Kat.
Kathleen Cleary: Call me "Kitty Kat".
[hisses]
John Beckwith: Okay, Kitty Kat, this feels "borderline" inappropriate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Kroeger: [after seeing his wife open up a bottle of pills] Go comatose for me, baby.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bratty Kid: I want a bicycle.
Jeremy Grey: Listen, a bicycle is going to take a lot of balloons and frankly, uncle Jeremy is a bit tired. How about I make you something else?
Bratty Kid: I just want a bicycle!
Jeremy Grey: Why... why are you yelling at me?
Bratty Kid: Make me a bicycle, clown!
Jeremy Grey: All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
Bratty Kid: Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.
Jeremy Grey: [later] Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: You know she is not just another notch on the old belt.
Jeremy Grey: I don't even wear a belt... Beltless.
Secretary Cleary: I am a very powerful man.
Jeremy Grey: Yes, you are.
Secretary Cleary: See you for dinner.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Todd, I notice you haven't even touched your food.
Todd Cleary: I don't each fish or meat.
Grandma Mary Cleary: He's a homo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Actually Todd is an amazing painter. He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.
John Beckwith: Wow, RISD, that's awesome Todd. Well done!
Todd Cleary: Yeah, Dad, Dad always thought I would be a political liability in case he ever ran for President.
Secretary Cleary: Now, now Todd. Truth be told, polling shows that most Americans would ultimately empathize with our situation.
Todd Cleary: What is our situation, Dad?
Grandma Mary Cleary: You are a homo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria Cleary: That was awesome.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah, that was. We should get back. They'll be looking for us.
Gloria Cleary: I always knew my first time would be on a beach.
Jeremy Grey: [stunned] First time? You're a virgin?
Gloria Cleary: Mm-hmm.
Jeremy Grey: Wow.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, we are going to be so happy together.
Jeremy Grey: [bewildered] I'm sorry?
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I'm getting married.
John Beckwith: Get out!
[points at the door]
Jeremy Grey: But you just said you were happy...
John Beckwith: I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
Jeremy Grey: You said the book wasn't yours.
John Beckwith: Don't worry about the book. It's not mine. But I glanced at it.
Jeremy Grey: John...
John Beckwith: Kindly leave!
Jeremy Grey: But...
John Beckwith: Kindly leave!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I'd like to be cowboys from Texas or pimps from Oakland but it's not Hallowe'en. Stop messing around; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[talking at the dinner table about Franklin Roosevelt]
Grandma Mary Cleary: But that wife of his, Eleanore...big dyke! A real rug muncher. Big lesbian mule.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[on a quail hunt]
John Beckwith: [whispering] I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: [whispering] I know. Why do I have to be in camouflage? Is the big bad quail gonna get me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Rule No.5: "You're an idiot"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sack Lodge: Claire, you get your fucking ass on that altar right now!
John Beckwith: Wow, we're getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [on the phone with Gloria] Okay, now I want you to take off your panties, ball them up, and put them in your mouth. Oh, yeah...
[John walks in]
Jeremy Grey: And, um, yeah. That sounds agreeable, Larry. I call you back next quarter.
[hangs up]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Please don't take a turn to negative town.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Go out there and get some strange ass!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.
Janice: Okay...
Jeremy Grey: OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I feel so tiny in your arms.
Guest at wedding: How tall are you?
Jeremy Grey: Six foot five, but I feel like I'm four feet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Are you kidding me? I love crab cakes! They're phenomenal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Phenomenal finger food!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: These bacon-wrapped scallops - phenomenal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Get up, you're making us look like pussies.
Jeremy Grey: If I had any air in my lungs I'd scream at you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [speaking to the priest] This girl's fit for a strait-jacket. I mean she's fucked three ways to the weekend. But you know what, Father? I dig it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: She hasn't answered your calls, she didn't respond to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God only knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. 'Cause she didn't keep it, and I know you're not raising the goddamn thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after Sack outruns John and scores a touchdown]
Jeremy Grey: What happened?
John Beckwith: I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jeremy's hands and feet are tied to the bed]
Secretary Cleary: Are you okay in here?
Jeremy Grey: I was just having a bad dream.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [quarterbacking a touch football game] John! Red seven!
John Beckwith: I don't know what red seven means.
Jeremy Grey: Hot route!
John Beckwith: I don't... What is hot route?
Jeremy Grey: Will you just go stand on the other side please?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary...
Kathleen Cleary: Kitty Kat.
John Beckwith: Kitty Kat, I'm sorry, but are you out of your fucking mind?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [smacks his butt] Watch me take this on down the road.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: We're getting a nice preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Rule #1: Never Leave a Fellow Crasher Behind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: [introducing himself at a wedding reception] Sanjay Collins.
Jeremy Grey: Chuck Vindaloo. Excited to be here.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith: Seamus O'Toole.
Jeremy Grey: Bobby O'Shea.
John Beckwith: I'm ready to get drunk!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[last lines]
Claire Cleary: We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City.
Gloria Cleary: Yeah!
Jeremy Grey: Yes, we are.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: It feels so good when he jokes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me feel her hooters.
Jeremy Grey: So, you gonna complain everytime some hot older broad makes you feel her up? Stop crying like a little girl.
John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.
Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family? Then you'll have something to complain about. They look pretty good, are they real? They built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do? You motorboat 'em? You played the motorboat
[makes sputtering motorboat noise]
Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin' son of a bitch, you old sailor!
John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?
John Beckwith: [starts walking away] Nothin'. I'm going for a walk.
Jeremy Grey: [snidely] Well, have fun. I'm gonna go ice my balls and spit up blood.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: I made you a painting.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: Yeah, her boyfriend just died. In a hang-gliding accident! What an idiot! What a loser!
[sarcastically imitating dead boyfriend]
Chazz Reinhold: "Hey, I'm hang-gliding! Aaaahhh! Take a picture, honey, I'm dead!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: [about Chaz] He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!
Jeremy Grey: Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: [after Jeremy gets violently tackled to the ground] You were awesome... she's buying it, now quit messing around and get up.
Jeremy Grey: [after getting the wind knocked out of him, whispering] I'm not messing around, I cant breathe.
John Beckwith: Oh, come on, now you're just milking it.
Jeremy Grey: [looks up in disgust, still whispering] I hate you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[in a speech at a wedding, quoting what John Beckwith has just told her]
Claire Cleary: True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I'm a cocksman!
[gets glares from wedding guests]
John Beckwith: [to wedding guests] Tourette's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Just a couple of kids who like to fuck, tryin' to make an honest, I get it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I crashed a funeral today.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: You look beat. Soft mattress?
Jeremy Grey: Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night. One of those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back!
Jeremy Grey: The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Okay, what's our back story?
John Beckwith: We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Kroeger: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I got a stage five. Virgin. Clinger.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria Cleary: Don't ever leave me!
Jeremy Grey: Ever.
Gloria Cleary: Good. 'Cause I'd find you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I don't give a baker's fuck!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not as much as I do with your attire, or just your general point of view toward everybody here. But hey, lets go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports, once in a while.
Todd Cleary: [suddenly incensed] Would that make you love me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: A friend in need is a pest.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Have you ever shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: I look totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.
John Beckwith: That's a little heavy.
Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: Let's play tummy sticks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaz Reingold: I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: Mom! The meat loaf! Fuck!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Claire enters the bathroom and finds Sack vomiting in the toilet]
Claire Cleary: Are you okay?
Sack Lodge: Well, Claire. My head's buried in a toilet. What do you think? You do the math.
Claire Cleary: Honey, it's ok to be vulnerable sometimes, it's just me.
Sack Lodge: Ok, you can just cut that psycho babble bullshit your mom tells you. You wanna help me kid? Do you? Why don't you run along and fetch me a 7Up, ok? 'Cause I might get vulnerable again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[seeing Gloria throwing a tantrum in front of her father]
Jeremy Grey: Looks like a little kid at Toys-R-Us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after playing football]
Kathleen Cleary: Boy, it's hot out here.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Kathleen Cleary: You should've played in your underwear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I can't take any more of this fucking shit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: That's interesting John, that glass looks half full to me.
John Beckwith: Wow, now that you mention it, it *is* half full.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[in a wedding toast, quoting what John has just told her]
Claire Cleary: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: I'll be in my room.
[pause]
Todd Cleary: Painting homo things!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Claire! All I wanted is to have a minute alone with you to explain everything. But I've never gotten that chance. So here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. Business was good. I met a lot of girls. It was childish and irresponsible.
Claire Cleary: And pathetic.
John Beckwith: Yeah. That's probably the best word. But it also led me to you so it's impossible for me to completely regret it. I've learned something. I crashed a funeral today. It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged along
[to Jeremy]
John Beckwith: I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. Although he may actually be a genius because it really does work, he's cleaning up.
Claire Cleary: John!
John Beckwith: That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realised we're all going to lose the people we love. That's how it is, but not me. Not now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: We had a moment at the dinner table didn't we?
Jeremy Grey: No! No! We did not have a moment at the dinner table, Todd!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: John, can you come in here a second, it's important.
John Beckwith: Hi, what's up?
Jeremy Grey: We got three big weeks ahead of us. It's wedding season!
John Beckwith: You sly dog! Now how many of them are cash bars?
Jeremy Grey: I like where your head's at and actually two of them are but I have a solution. Purple hearts. We won't have to buy a drink all night.
John Beckwith: Great, I'll get my suit. Now who are we this time?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaz Reingold: What is she doing back there? I never know what she's doing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Your brother. He's down again.
John Beckwith: What is his deal?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Are you OK?
John Beckwith: Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.
Claire Cleary: But starboard's *this* way.
John Beckwith: That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing down under with the kiwis so everything's backwards and the toilets when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Anyone ever feel like they're just disappearing?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Jewish Woman: Who's that?
Old Jewish Man: I think that's Sid's kid Lenny, the diabetic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Italian Woman: Who's that?
Old Italian Man: That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher, the Banker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Irish Woman: Who's he?
Old Chinese Man: That's Mai Lin's adopted son Manni, the veterinarian.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best Man: After my ninth stint in rehab, Craig - ah Craig, Craig was the only one who still believed in me. Been sober for eight months now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Craig: I Craig take you Christina to be my wife, my best friend and my first mate. Through clear skies and squalls...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christina Cleary: I Christina take you Craig to be my best friend and my captain.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father O'Neil: You may kiss the first mate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: So how's my protégé?
John Beckwith: Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married!
Chazz Reinhold: What? What an idiot! Good! Good! More for you and me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: He's the best man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.
Jeremy Grey: No problem.
John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.
Jeremy Grey: I forgive you.
John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't know what that means.
Jeremy Grey: John, it's all right. Do you mind if I get married now?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Buddy, for your own good you gotta let this go.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this bullshit? Rule #35: never commit to a relative unless you're sure they have a pulse.
John Beckwith: Rule #15: give me an up-to-date family tree, you just made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I think we've got a crier.
Jeremy Grey: No way.
John Beckwith: 20 bucks.
Jeremy Grey: Make it 40.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [watching Gloria coming up the aisle] Hello, Red! Dibs.
John Beckwith: [watching Claire coming up the aisle] She's all yours. I ain't gonna fight you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father O'Neil: And now for our second reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.
John Beckwith: 20 bucks First Corinthians.
Jeremy Grey: Double or nothing Colossians 3:12.
Gloria Cleary: And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: Sack, I've always liked you so I've put up with your stories about scallops and otters because I thought you made my daughter happy. But this is her decision. I stand by my daughter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: How long have you and the secretary been married?
Kathleen Cleary: 30 years next April.
John Beckwith: That's wonderful.
Kathleen Cleary: Yeah. And we were faithful for two of them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Secretary Cleary, I'm John Ryan.
Secretary Cleary: Hello John.
John Beckwith: I just wanted to say how much I appreciated your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
Secretary Cleary: You've read my position paper?
John Beckwith: I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
Secretary Cleary: A sailor? Sit down. You didn't happen to catch my speech on Paraguayan debt did you?
John Beckwith: Are you serious? I loved it! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capital to debt was genius. Now if we could only get congress not to be so short sighted.
Secretary Cleary: Yes! Well put. Short sighted. John, how about we go out on the deck and light up a couple of cigars?
John Beckwith: Stogies?
Secretary Cleary: Yeah.
John Beckwith: Why not?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.
Jeremy Grey: No problem.
John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.
Jeremy Grey: It's ok.
John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't know what that means.
Jeremy Grey: John, it's alright. Do you mind if I get married now?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I think I'm ready to take this relationship, our relationship to the next level.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level.
Jeremy Grey: Really?
Gloria Cleary: Yeah. Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?
Jeremy Grey: I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement.
Gloria Cleary: Oh Jeremy, I do!
Jeremy Grey: I love you.
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Don't you think it's a little soon? Marriage?
Secretary Cleary: You know Gloria, she's always been impetuous.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: That brings us to the question of frequent flyer miles.
Mrs. Kroeger: I want them.
Mr. Kroeger: I earned those miles.
Mrs. Kroeger: Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.
Mr. Kroeger: She's not afraid to express herself sexually if that's what you mean.
Mrs. Kroeger: Her name is Chastity. She is white trash, same as you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman: I saw you at the wedding.
John Beckwith: Yeah?
Woman: You were crying.
John Beckwith: You weren't supposed to see that, now you probably think I'm a big pussy.
Woman: No, it was really sweet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Are you going to give a toast?
Claire Cleary: Yes.
John Beckwith: Nervous?
Claire Cleary: A little bit, but I think this is good.
John Beckwith: You keep it in your cleavage.
Claire Cleary: Nowhere else to put it.
John Beckwith: "I never thought my sister would meet someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did until I met Craig?"
Claire Cleary: Yes, it's funny. It's funny because it's true.
John Beckwith: I know, but the funny because it's true bit only works if the truth is a very small thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". Honestly, I think you're better off going for something from the heart.
Claire Cleary: I think people are going to love this.
John Beckwith: I think you're going to hear crickets.
Claire Cleary: No.
John Beckwith: Sounds of silence.
Claire Cleary: Uh uh.
John Beckwith: Ok, meet me at the back of the room, I'll be the guy waiting to say I told you so.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaz Reingold: [almost whispering] What the *fuck* do you want?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I always knew I was never going to be a professional bull fighter, but that's not why I did it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I don't mean to pry.
Claire Cleary: Yes, you did.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria Cleary: You're really talented.
Jeremy Grey: I can go on all day. Last week I made, to scale, a balloon model of wrigley field. I don't have anywhere to put it.
Gloria Cleary: I'll have a sports car.
Jeremy Grey: How about a dance?
Gloria Cleary: That's what I really wanted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vivian: Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50%?
John Beckwith: I hope just 50 but who knows.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Oh, so you're hiding I see.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: Once Sack and Claire tie the knot, two of the great American families will finally be united.
John Beckwith: And then you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria Cleary: I've been thinking about what you said and I think the problem is that I'm not being adventurous enough for you.
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I think that's the complete opposite of what I was saying.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: Ma, can we get some meatloaf!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I have a better idea. Throw an interception to Claire, get her feeling good about herself. You think you can do that?
Jeremy Grey: John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Oh, that's great? Why don't you feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I am drowning.
John Beckwith: What?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean what? What a great friend. John, you have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. There's no overtime.
John Beckwith: No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, you drag me to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.
Jeremy Grey: Completely different situation. She was a very family-oriented girl.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Jeremy Grey: That was my first Asian!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Share that with the Dalai Lama, jack ass!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hindu Woman: [while dancing at a wedding reception] French Foreign Legion?
John Beckwith: Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
Bridesmaid: Mount Everest?
Jeremy Grey: I don't want to talk about it because we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith: We lost a lot of good men out there.
Bridesmaid: Playing with the Yankees?
John Beckwith: Yes, we lost a lot of good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Hey, listen. What angle are you going to play here?
Jeremy Grey: I am going to go with the balloon animal display. For the kids. And then when she comes near, guess who is the broken man, haunted past? How about you?
John Beckwith: I am going to go dance with the little flower girl. Oh, and I might be a charter member of Oprah's book club.
Jeremy Grey: It's all deadly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaz Reingold: [almost whispering] Who the *fuck* are you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: What is true love?
John Beckwith: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
Claire Cleary: It's a little cheesy but I like it.
John Beckwith: I read it on a bumper sticker!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: You better lock it up.
Jeremy Grey: No, you lock it up!
John Beckwith: You lock it up!
Jeremy Grey: You lock it up!
John Beckwith: You lock it up!
Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kathleen Cleary: Oh, you been playing "Cat and Mouse" with me ever since you came.
John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary -
Kathleen Cleary: Call me Kat.
John Beckwith: Okay, Kat.
Kathleen Cleary: Call me "Kitty Kat".
[hisses]
John Beckwith: Okay, Kitty Kat, this feels "borderline" inappropriate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Kroeger: [after seeing his wife open up a bottle of pills] Go comatose for me, baby.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bratty Kid: I want a bicycle.
Jeremy Grey: Listen, a bicycle is going to take a lot of balloons and frankly, uncle Jeremy is a bit tired. How about I make you something else?
Bratty Kid: I just want a bicycle!
Jeremy Grey: Why... why are you yelling at me?
Bratty Kid: Make me a bicycle, clown!
Jeremy Grey: All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
Bratty Kid: Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.
Jeremy Grey: [later] Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: You know she is not just another notch on the old belt.
Jeremy Grey: I don't even wear a belt... Beltless.
Secretary Cleary: I am a very powerful man.
Jeremy Grey: Yes, you are.
Secretary Cleary: See you for dinner.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Todd, I notice you haven't even touched your food.
Todd Cleary: I don't each fish or meat.
Grandma Mary Cleary: He's a homo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Actually Todd is an amazing painter. He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.
John Beckwith: Wow, RISD, that's awesome Todd. Well done!
Todd Cleary: Yeah, Dad, Dad always thought I would be a political liability in case he ever ran for President.
Secretary Cleary: Now, now Todd. Truth be told, polling shows that most Americans would ultimately empathize with our situation.
Todd Cleary: What is our situation, Dad?
Grandma Mary Cleary: You are a homo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria Cleary: That was awesome.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah, that was. We should get back. They'll be looking for us.
Gloria Cleary: I always knew my first time would be on a beach.
Jeremy Grey: [stunned] First time? You're a virgin?
Gloria Cleary: Mm-hmm.
Jeremy Grey: Wow.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, we are going to be so happy together.
Jeremy Grey: [bewildered] I'm sorry?
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
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Jeremy Grey: I'm getting married.
John Beckwith: Get out!
[points at the door]
Jeremy Grey: But you just said you were happy...
John Beckwith: I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
Jeremy Grey: You said the book wasn't yours.
John Beckwith: Don't worry about the book. It's not mine. But I glanced at it.
Jeremy Grey: John...
John Beckwith: Kindly leave!
Jeremy Grey: But...
John Beckwith: Kindly leave!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I'd like to be cowboys from Texas or pimps from Oakland but it's not Hallowe'en. Stop messing around; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[talking at the dinner table about Franklin Roosevelt]
Grandma Mary Cleary: But that wife of his, Eleanore...big dyke! A real rug muncher. Big lesbian mule.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[on a quail hunt]
John Beckwith: [whispering] I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: [whispering] I know. Why do I have to be in camouflage? Is the big bad quail gonna get me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Rule No.5: "You're an idiot"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sack Lodge: Claire, you get your fucking ass on that altar right now!
John Beckwith: Wow, we're getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
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Jeremy Grey: [on the phone with Gloria] Okay, now I want you to take off your panties, ball them up, and put them in your mouth. Oh, yeah...
[John walks in]
Jeremy Grey: And, um, yeah. That sounds agreeable, Larry. I call you back next quarter.
[hangs up]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Please don't take a turn to negative town.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Go out there and get some strange ass!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.
Janice: Okay...
Jeremy Grey: OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I feel so tiny in your arms.
Guest at wedding: How tall are you?
Jeremy Grey: Six foot five, but I feel like I'm four feet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Are you kidding me? I love crab cakes! They're phenomenal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Phenomenal finger food!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: These bacon-wrapped scallops - phenomenal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Get up, you're making us look like pussies.
Jeremy Grey: If I had any air in my lungs I'd scream at you.
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Jeremy Grey: [speaking to the priest] This girl's fit for a strait-jacket. I mean she's fucked three ways to the weekend. But you know what, Father? I dig it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: She hasn't answered your calls, she didn't respond to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God only knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. 'Cause she didn't keep it, and I know you're not raising the goddamn thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after Sack outruns John and scores a touchdown]
Jeremy Grey: What happened?
John Beckwith: I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jeremy's hands and feet are tied to the bed]
Secretary Cleary: Are you okay in here?
Jeremy Grey: I was just having a bad dream.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [quarterbacking a touch football game] John! Red seven!
John Beckwith: I don't know what red seven means.
Jeremy Grey: Hot route!
John Beckwith: I don't... What is hot route?
Jeremy Grey: Will you just go stand on the other side please?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary...
Kathleen Cleary: Kitty Kat.
John Beckwith: Kitty Kat, I'm sorry, but are you out of your fucking mind?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [smacks his butt] Watch me take this on down the road.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: We're getting a nice preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Rule #1: Never Leave a Fellow Crasher Behind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: [introducing himself at a wedding reception] Sanjay Collins.
Jeremy Grey: Chuck Vindaloo. Excited to be here.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith: Seamus O'Toole.
Jeremy Grey: Bobby O'Shea.
John Beckwith: I'm ready to get drunk!
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[last lines]
Claire Cleary: We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City.
Gloria Cleary: Yeah!
Jeremy Grey: Yes, we are.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: It feels so good when he jokes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me feel her hooters.
Jeremy Grey: So, you gonna complain everytime some hot older broad makes you feel her up? Stop crying like a little girl.
John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.
Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family? Then you'll have something to complain about. They look pretty good, are they real? They built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do? You motorboat 'em? You played the motorboat
[makes sputtering motorboat noise]
Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin' son of a bitch, you old sailor!
John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?
John Beckwith: [starts walking away] Nothin'. I'm going for a walk.
Jeremy Grey: [snidely] Well, have fun. I'm gonna go ice my balls and spit up blood.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: I made you a painting.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: Yeah, her boyfriend just died. In a hang-gliding accident! What an idiot! What a loser!
[sarcastically imitating dead boyfriend]
Chazz Reinhold: "Hey, I'm hang-gliding! Aaaahhh! Take a picture, honey, I'm dead!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: [about Chaz] He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!
Jeremy Grey: Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: [after Jeremy gets violently tackled to the ground] You were awesome... she's buying it, now quit messing around and get up.
Jeremy Grey: [after getting the wind knocked out of him, whispering] I'm not messing around, I cant breathe.
John Beckwith: Oh, come on, now you're just milking it.
Jeremy Grey: [looks up in disgust, still whispering] I hate you.
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[in a speech at a wedding, quoting what John Beckwith has just told her]
Claire Cleary: True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I'm a cocksman!
[gets glares from wedding guests]
John Beckwith: [to wedding guests] Tourette's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Just a couple of kids who like to fuck, tryin' to make an honest, I get it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I crashed a funeral today.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: You look beat. Soft mattress?
Jeremy Grey: Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night. One of those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back!
Jeremy Grey: The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Okay, what's our back story?
John Beckwith: We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Kroeger: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I got a stage five. Virgin. Clinger.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria Cleary: Don't ever leave me!
Jeremy Grey: Ever.
Gloria Cleary: Good. 'Cause I'd find you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I don't give a baker's fuck!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not as much as I do with your attire, or just your general point of view toward everybody here. But hey, lets go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports, once in a while.
Todd Cleary: [suddenly incensed] Would that make you love me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: A friend in need is a pest.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Have you ever shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: I look totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.
John Beckwith: That's a little heavy.
Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: Let's play tummy sticks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaz Reingold: I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: Mom! The meat loaf! Fuck!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Claire enters the bathroom and finds Sack vomiting in the toilet]
Claire Cleary: Are you okay?
Sack Lodge: Well, Claire. My head's buried in a toilet. What do you think? You do the math.
Claire Cleary: Honey, it's ok to be vulnerable sometimes, it's just me.
Sack Lodge: Ok, you can just cut that psycho babble bullshit your mom tells you. You wanna help me kid? Do you? Why don't you run along and fetch me a 7Up, ok? 'Cause I might get vulnerable again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[seeing Gloria throwing a tantrum in front of her father]
Jeremy Grey: Looks like a little kid at Toys-R-Us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after playing football]
Kathleen Cleary: Boy, it's hot out here.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Kathleen Cleary: You should've played in your underwear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I can't take any more of this fucking shit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: That's interesting John, that glass looks half full to me.
John Beckwith: Wow, now that you mention it, it *is* half full.
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[in a wedding toast, quoting what John has just told her]
Claire Cleary: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: I'll be in my room.
[pause]
Todd Cleary: Painting homo things!
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