Jeremy Grey: Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.
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John Beckwith: Claire! All I wanted is to have a minute alone with you to explain everything. But I've never gotten that chance. So here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. Business was good. I met a lot of girls. It was childish and irresponsible.
Claire Cleary: And pathetic.
John Beckwith: Yeah. That's probably the best word. But it also led me to you so it's impossible for me to completely regret it. I've learned something. I crashed a funeral today. It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged along
[to Jeremy]
John Beckwith: I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. Although he may actually be a genius because it really does work, he's cleaning up.
Claire Cleary: John!
John Beckwith: That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realised we're all going to lose the people we love. That's how it is, but not me. Not now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: We had a moment at the dinner table didn't we?
Jeremy Grey: No! No! We did not have a moment at the dinner table, Todd!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: John, can you come in here a second, it's important.
John Beckwith: Hi, what's up?
Jeremy Grey: We got three big weeks ahead of us. It's wedding season!
John Beckwith: You sly dog! Now how many of them are cash bars?
Jeremy Grey: I like where your head's at and actually two of them are but I have a solution. Purple hearts. We won't have to buy a drink all night.
John Beckwith: Great, I'll get my suit. Now who are we this time?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaz Reingold: What is she doing back there? I never know what she's doing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Your brother. He's down again.
John Beckwith: What is his deal?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Are you OK?
John Beckwith: Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.
Claire Cleary: But starboard's *this* way.
John Beckwith: That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing down under with the kiwis so everything's backwards and the toilets when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Anyone ever feel like they're just disappearing?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Jewish Woman: Who's that?
Old Jewish Man: I think that's Sid's kid Lenny, the diabetic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Italian Woman: Who's that?
Old Italian Man: That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher, the Banker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Irish Woman: Who's he?
Old Chinese Man: That's Mai Lin's adopted son Manni, the veterinarian.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best Man: After my ninth stint in rehab, Craig - ah Craig, Craig was the only one who still believed in me. Been sober for eight months now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Craig: I Craig take you Christina to be my wife, my best friend and my first mate. Through clear skies and squalls...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christina Cleary: I Christina take you Craig to be my best friend and my captain.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father O'Neil: You may kiss the first mate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: So how's my protégé?
John Beckwith: Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married!
Chazz Reinhold: What? What an idiot! Good! Good! More for you and me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: He's the best man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.
Jeremy Grey: No problem.
John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.
Jeremy Grey: I forgive you.
John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't know what that means.
Jeremy Grey: John, it's all right. Do you mind if I get married now?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Buddy, for your own good you gotta let this go.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this bullshit? Rule #35: never commit to a relative unless you're sure they have a pulse.
John Beckwith: Rule #15: give me an up-to-date family tree, you just made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I think we've got a crier.
Jeremy Grey: No way.
John Beckwith: 20 bucks.
Jeremy Grey: Make it 40.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [watching Gloria coming up the aisle] Hello, Red! Dibs.
John Beckwith: [watching Claire coming up the aisle] She's all yours. I ain't gonna fight you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father O'Neil: And now for our second reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.
John Beckwith: 20 bucks First Corinthians.
Jeremy Grey: Double or nothing Colossians 3:12.
Gloria Cleary: And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: Sack, I've always liked you so I've put up with your stories about scallops and otters because I thought you made my daughter happy. But this is her decision. I stand by my daughter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: How long have you and the secretary been married?
Kathleen Cleary: 30 years next April.
John Beckwith: That's wonderful.
Kathleen Cleary: Yeah. And we were faithful for two of them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Secretary Cleary, I'm John Ryan.
Secretary Cleary: Hello John.
John Beckwith: I just wanted to say how much I appreciated your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
Secretary Cleary: You've read my position paper?
John Beckwith: I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
Secretary Cleary: A sailor? Sit down. You didn't happen to catch my speech on Paraguayan debt did you?
John Beckwith: Are you serious? I loved it! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capital to debt was genius. Now if we could only get congress not to be so short sighted.
Secretary Cleary: Yes! Well put. Short sighted. John, how about we go out on the deck and light up a couple of cigars?
John Beckwith: Stogies?
Secretary Cleary: Yeah.
John Beckwith: Why not?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.
Jeremy Grey: No problem.
John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.
Jeremy Grey: It's ok.
John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't know what that means.
Jeremy Grey: John, it's alright. Do you mind if I get married now?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I think I'm ready to take this relationship, our relationship to the next level.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level.
Jeremy Grey: Really?
Gloria Cleary: Yeah. Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?
Jeremy Grey: I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement.
Gloria Cleary: Oh Jeremy, I do!
Jeremy Grey: I love you.
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Don't you think it's a little soon? Marriage?
Secretary Cleary: You know Gloria, she's always been impetuous.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: That brings us to the question of frequent flyer miles.
Mrs. Kroeger: I want them.
Mr. Kroeger: I earned those miles.
Mrs. Kroeger: Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.
Mr. Kroeger: She's not afraid to express herself sexually if that's what you mean.
Mrs. Kroeger: Her name is Chastity. She is white trash, same as you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman: I saw you at the wedding.
John Beckwith: Yeah?
Woman: You were crying.
John Beckwith: You weren't supposed to see that, now you probably think I'm a big pussy.
Woman: No, it was really sweet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Are you going to give a toast?
Claire Cleary: Yes.
John Beckwith: Nervous?
Claire Cleary: A little bit, but I think this is good.
John Beckwith: You keep it in your cleavage.
Claire Cleary: Nowhere else to put it.
John Beckwith: "I never thought my sister would meet someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did until I met Craig?"
Claire Cleary: Yes, it's funny. It's funny because it's true.
John Beckwith: I know, but the funny because it's true bit only works if the truth is a very small thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". Honestly, I think you're better off going for something from the heart.
Claire Cleary: I think people are going to love this.
John Beckwith: I think you're going to hear crickets.
Claire Cleary: No.
John Beckwith: Sounds of silence.
Claire Cleary: Uh uh.
John Beckwith: Ok, meet me at the back of the room, I'll be the guy waiting to say I told you so.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaz Reingold: [almost whispering] What the *fuck* do you want?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I always knew I was never going to be a professional bull fighter, but that's not why I did it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I don't mean to pry.
Claire Cleary: Yes, you did.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria Cleary: You're really talented.
Jeremy Grey: I can go on all day. Last week I made, to scale, a balloon model of wrigley field. I don't have anywhere to put it.
Gloria Cleary: I'll have a sports car.
Jeremy Grey: How about a dance?
Gloria Cleary: That's what I really wanted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vivian: Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50%?
John Beckwith: I hope just 50 but who knows.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Oh, so you're hiding I see.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: Once Sack and Claire tie the knot, two of the great American families will finally be united.
John Beckwith: And then you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria Cleary: I've been thinking about what you said and I think the problem is that I'm not being adventurous enough for you.
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I think that's the complete opposite of what I was saying.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: Ma, can we get some meatloaf!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I have a better idea. Throw an interception to Claire, get her feeling good about herself. You think you can do that?
Jeremy Grey: John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Oh, that's great? Why don't you feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I am drowning.
John Beckwith: What?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean what? What a great friend. John, you have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. There's no overtime.
John Beckwith: No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, you drag me to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.
Jeremy Grey: Completely different situation. She was a very family-oriented girl.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Jeremy Grey: That was my first Asian!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Share that with the Dalai Lama, jack ass!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hindu Woman: [while dancing at a wedding reception] French Foreign Legion?
John Beckwith: Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
Bridesmaid: Mount Everest?
Jeremy Grey: I don't want to talk about it because we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith: We lost a lot of good men out there.
Bridesmaid: Playing with the Yankees?
John Beckwith: Yes, we lost a lot of good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Hey, listen. What angle are you going to play here?
Jeremy Grey: I am going to go with the balloon animal display. For the kids. And then when she comes near, guess who is the broken man, haunted past? How about you?
John Beckwith: I am going to go dance with the little flower girl. Oh, and I might be a charter member of Oprah's book club.
Jeremy Grey: It's all deadly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaz Reingold: [almost whispering] Who the *fuck* are you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: What is true love?
John Beckwith: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
Claire Cleary: It's a little cheesy but I like it.
John Beckwith: I read it on a bumper sticker!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: You better lock it up.
Jeremy Grey: No, you lock it up!
John Beckwith: You lock it up!
Jeremy Grey: You lock it up!
John Beckwith: You lock it up!
Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kathleen Cleary: Oh, you been playing "Cat and Mouse" with me ever since you came.
John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary -
Kathleen Cleary: Call me Kat.
John Beckwith: Okay, Kat.
Kathleen Cleary: Call me "Kitty Kat".
[hisses]
John Beckwith: Okay, Kitty Kat, this feels "borderline" inappropriate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Kroeger: [after seeing his wife open up a bottle of pills] Go comatose for me, baby.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bratty Kid: I want a bicycle.
Jeremy Grey: Listen, a bicycle is going to take a lot of balloons and frankly, uncle Jeremy is a bit tired. How about I make you something else?
Bratty Kid: I just want a bicycle!
Jeremy Grey: Why... why are you yelling at me?
Bratty Kid: Make me a bicycle, clown!
Jeremy Grey: All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
Bratty Kid: Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.
Jeremy Grey: [later] Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: You know she is not just another notch on the old belt.
Jeremy Grey: I don't even wear a belt... Beltless.
Secretary Cleary: I am a very powerful man.
Jeremy Grey: Yes, you are.
Secretary Cleary: See you for dinner.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Todd, I notice you haven't even touched your food.
Todd Cleary: I don't each fish or meat.
Grandma Mary Cleary: He's a homo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Claire Cleary: Actually Todd is an amazing painter. He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.
John Beckwith: Wow, RISD, that's awesome Todd. Well done!
Todd Cleary: Yeah, Dad, Dad always thought I would be a political liability in case he ever ran for President.
Secretary Cleary: Now, now Todd. Truth be told, polling shows that most Americans would ultimately empathize with our situation.
Todd Cleary: What is our situation, Dad?
Grandma Mary Cleary: You are a homo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria Cleary: That was awesome.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah, that was. We should get back. They'll be looking for us.
Gloria Cleary: I always knew my first time would be on a beach.
Jeremy Grey: [stunned] First time? You're a virgin?
Gloria Cleary: Mm-hmm.
Jeremy Grey: Wow.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, we are going to be so happy together.
Jeremy Grey: [bewildered] I'm sorry?
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I'm getting married.
John Beckwith: Get out!
[points at the door]
Jeremy Grey: But you just said you were happy...
John Beckwith: I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
Jeremy Grey: You said the book wasn't yours.
John Beckwith: Don't worry about the book. It's not mine. But I glanced at it.
Jeremy Grey: John...
John Beckwith: Kindly leave!
Jeremy Grey: But...
John Beckwith: Kindly leave!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I'd like to be cowboys from Texas or pimps from Oakland but it's not Hallowe'en. Stop messing around; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[talking at the dinner table about Franklin Roosevelt]
Grandma Mary Cleary: But that wife of his, Eleanore...big dyke! A real rug muncher. Big lesbian mule.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[on a quail hunt]
John Beckwith: [whispering] I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: [whispering] I know. Why do I have to be in camouflage? Is the big bad quail gonna get me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Rule No.5: "You're an idiot"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sack Lodge: Claire, you get your fucking ass on that altar right now!
John Beckwith: Wow, we're getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [on the phone with Gloria] Okay, now I want you to take off your panties, ball them up, and put them in your mouth. Oh, yeah...
[John walks in]
Jeremy Grey: And, um, yeah. That sounds agreeable, Larry. I call you back next quarter.
[hangs up]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Please don't take a turn to negative town.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Go out there and get some strange ass!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.
Janice: Okay...
Jeremy Grey: OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I feel so tiny in your arms.
Guest at wedding: How tall are you?
Jeremy Grey: Six foot five, but I feel like I'm four feet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Are you kidding me? I love crab cakes! They're phenomenal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Phenomenal finger food!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: These bacon-wrapped scallops - phenomenal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Get up, you're making us look like pussies.
Jeremy Grey: If I had any air in my lungs I'd scream at you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [speaking to the priest] This girl's fit for a strait-jacket. I mean she's fucked three ways to the weekend. But you know what, Father? I dig it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: She hasn't answered your calls, she didn't respond to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God only knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. 'Cause she didn't keep it, and I know you're not raising the goddamn thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after Sack outruns John and scores a touchdown]
Jeremy Grey: What happened?
John Beckwith: I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jeremy's hands and feet are tied to the bed]
Secretary Cleary: Are you okay in here?
Jeremy Grey: I was just having a bad dream.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [quarterbacking a touch football game] John! Red seven!
John Beckwith: I don't know what red seven means.
Jeremy Grey: Hot route!
John Beckwith: I don't... What is hot route?
Jeremy Grey: Will you just go stand on the other side please?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary...
Kathleen Cleary: Kitty Kat.
John Beckwith: Kitty Kat, I'm sorry, but are you out of your fucking mind?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [smacks his butt] Watch me take this on down the road.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: We're getting a nice preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Rule #1: Never Leave a Fellow Crasher Behind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: [introducing himself at a wedding reception] Sanjay Collins.
Jeremy Grey: Chuck Vindaloo. Excited to be here.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith: Seamus O'Toole.
Jeremy Grey: Bobby O'Shea.
John Beckwith: I'm ready to get drunk!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[last lines]
Claire Cleary: We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City.
Gloria Cleary: Yeah!
Jeremy Grey: Yes, we are.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: It feels so good when he jokes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me feel her hooters.
Jeremy Grey: So, you gonna complain everytime some hot older broad makes you feel her up? Stop crying like a little girl.
John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.
Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family? Then you'll have something to complain about. They look pretty good, are they real? They built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do? You motorboat 'em? You played the motorboat
[makes sputtering motorboat noise]
Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin' son of a bitch, you old sailor!
John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?
John Beckwith: [starts walking away] Nothin'. I'm going for a walk.
Jeremy Grey: [snidely] Well, have fun. I'm gonna go ice my balls and spit up blood.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: I made you a painting.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: Yeah, her boyfriend just died. In a hang-gliding accident! What an idiot! What a loser!
[sarcastically imitating dead boyfriend]
Chazz Reinhold: "Hey, I'm hang-gliding! Aaaahhh! Take a picture, honey, I'm dead!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: [about Chaz] He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!
Jeremy Grey: Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: [after Jeremy gets violently tackled to the ground] You were awesome... she's buying it, now quit messing around and get up.
Jeremy Grey: [after getting the wind knocked out of him, whispering] I'm not messing around, I cant breathe.
John Beckwith: Oh, come on, now you're just milking it.
Jeremy Grey: [looks up in disgust, still whispering] I hate you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[in a speech at a wedding, quoting what John Beckwith has just told her]
Claire Cleary: True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I'm a cocksman!
[gets glares from wedding guests]
John Beckwith: [to wedding guests] Tourette's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Just a couple of kids who like to fuck, tryin' to make an honest, I get it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: I crashed a funeral today.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Beckwith: You look beat. Soft mattress?
Jeremy Grey: Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night. One of those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back!
Jeremy Grey: The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Okay, what's our back story?
John Beckwith: We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Kroeger: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I got a stage five. Virgin. Clinger.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria Cleary: Don't ever leave me!
Jeremy Grey: Ever.
Gloria Cleary: Good. 'Cause I'd find you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I don't give a baker's fuck!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not as much as I do with your attire, or just your general point of view toward everybody here. But hey, lets go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: [about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports, once in a while.
Todd Cleary: [suddenly incensed] Would that make you love me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: A friend in need is a pest.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary Cleary: Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: Have you ever shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: I look totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.
John Beckwith: That's a little heavy.
Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: Let's play tummy sticks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaz Reingold: I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chazz Reinhold: Mom! The meat loaf! Fuck!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Claire enters the bathroom and finds Sack vomiting in the toilet]
Claire Cleary: Are you okay?
Sack Lodge: Well, Claire. My head's buried in a toilet. What do you think? You do the math.
Claire Cleary: Honey, it's ok to be vulnerable sometimes, it's just me.
Sack Lodge: Ok, you can just cut that psycho babble bullshit your mom tells you. You wanna help me kid? Do you? Why don't you run along and fetch me a 7Up, ok? 'Cause I might get vulnerable again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[seeing Gloria throwing a tantrum in front of her father]
Jeremy Grey: Looks like a little kid at Toys-R-Us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after playing football]
Kathleen Cleary: Boy, it's hot out here.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Kathleen Cleary: You should've played in your underwear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: I can't take any more of this fucking shit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Grey: That's interesting John, that glass looks half full to me.
John Beckwith: Wow, now that you mention it, it *is* half full.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[in a wedding toast, quoting what John has just told her]
Claire Cleary: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Todd Cleary: I'll be in my room.
[pause]
Todd Cleary: Painting homo things!
